


Scars So Deep

by ArianneMaya



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Werewolf, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, references to prior non-con & violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-29
Updated: 2012-07-29
Packaged: 2017-11-11 00:42:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/472541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArianneMaya/pseuds/ArianneMaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Even if he wanted to, Tommy can’t go back. That’s what hurts the most. Knowing that his family is still out there, that if he wasn’t so fucked up, he could go back and be with the people who raised him.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scars So Deep

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a glam-100 drabble ([here](http://glam-100.livejournal.com/45632.html)) that wouldn't leave my brain in peace until I wrote the whole story. So if the title and/or first part sounds familiar, it's absolutely normal.  
> Many thanks to Leela for her amazing beta work. <3 Any remaining mistakes are mine.

In response to Adam’s question, Tommy slips his shirt over his head and walks over to the window.

“I’ve seen your tats before, Tommy.” 

Adam’s voice comes to Tommy from over his shoulder, but he doesn’t dare turn around. He places his palms against the glass. “Look closer.”

He hears Adam walk over, needs to close his eyes and take a deep breath so he doesn’t run away. This is way too familiar, and it never ends well. 

Adam’s hands on his back follow the line of the tats. The job is so well done no one ever notices the scars until they touch them. They’re the reason why he’s always so careful, why even at home, he never walks around shirtless. 

After his loss of control earlier tonight, he feels like he doesn’t have a choice but to show Adam. Changing in the middle of a crowded place is never a good thing. Attacking someone is even worse. Add to that the fact that it was Allison, who didn’t stand a chance to defend herself thanks to her bad leg, and Tommy’s left in an explosive mess. 

All Tommy can hope is that Adam will listen. Since Adam’s not his alpha, he can’t order him around, but it also means that Tommy’s still an outsider. Adam will always think of his family, first and foremost, no matter what he feels toward Tommy. 

Claws marks. All over Tommy’s back, his shoulders. Deep lines hidden by tattoos, artwork that he chose over the years as a way of reclaiming his own skin. He’s still not comfortable with anyone touching him. 

The only mark that’s invisible is the bite mark on his neck, which healed as soon as the bond was broken. Nothing can make the scars go away. 

Adam’s hands stop at the small of his back. Tommy curls up his hands, nails biting into his palms. Anything to stop himself from shaking Adam’s hands off, pushing away from him and hiding. 

“Oh fuck, how did you get…” Adam follows the lines of the scars on Tommy’s back with his hand before he shakes himself back into the present. “What the fuck happened to you tonight?” 

Eyes still closed, Tommy starts shaking. No. Not now. Not like this. He fights to keep control of himself, find himself again. Adam takes a step back, his hands now barely touching Tommy’s skin. Tommy catches Adam before he can move away completely. No. He needs to do this. 

Tommy grabs onto Adam’s hand, holding it against his back. He forces himself to breathe through his panic. He can feel the heat of Adam’s palm seeping into his skin. Slowly, Tommy turns around, his hand still on Adam’s wrist, keeping it against his body. Adam’s hand traces Tommy’s ribs and ends on his chest. 

Adam is silent as he sees the scars scattered over Tommy’s chest.

“The Black and Red.” The words are barely out of Tommy’s mouth when he feels Adam’s hand clench on Tommy’s skin in anger. This time Tommy can’t stop himself, has to step away and cross his arms over his chest. He doesn’t make a move to put his shirt back on, but he needs a little space. 

When he opens his eyes, Adam’s looking at him. The anger is still written in the tight line of his lips, the set of his shoulders, but he’s not leaving. 

“I thought they left pureblood clans alone.” The words are spat out of Adam’s mouth. Tommy shakes his head. 

“They don’t. They’re just more subtle than with bitten weres.” As he speaks, Tommy lets his arms fall, and Adam steps forward. Tommy turns his head, showing off his neck. He hears the sharp intake of breath, sees the aborted movement of Adam’s other hand, stopping just short of the mark. 

“Go ahead.” Tommy steels himself when Adam’s hand ghosts over his neck. Nothing but smooth skin and, if you look at it under the moonlight like Adam is right now, the shadow of a mark that isn’t there anymore. 

“Is this…” Adam doesn’t dare to ask. 

Tommy looks away, focusing on the moon outside the window. “A broken bond mark.”

“How can they even break a bond?” 

Tommy knows it’s not really a question, but the answer is out of his mouth before he can stop himself. The vibes coming from Adam are always way too strong for him to resist. “By driving one bondmate mad. After that, it’s easy.”

Easy. To push someone so out of control that even the wolf doesn’t recognize its mate. That it lashes out at whoever’s nearest to them, driven by instincts so deeply wrong that the wolf hides inside, not wanting to come out. If it does, things would turn ugly.

Tommy knows that, in a way, he was lucky. He’s still sane, still alive. Except he also believes that there are parts of him that can never be fixed. Like the ones that so desperately want to cling to Adam, just because he feels like Simon did. The vibes are the same, the instinct to protect, to keep safe. 

Adam’s hand move from his neck to his chest, still following his scars in a caress that is oddly comforting. 

“You want to tell me?”

Tommy shakes his head. He can’t. Not yet. He just wanted Adam to understand a little.

“Who was she?” 

A little smile graces Tommy’s lips at Adam’s question. “He”, Tommy corrects Adam without even thinking about it. “That’s why it went so wrong.”

It shouldn’t have happened. That’s what everyone thought, even if they didn’t say it aloud. The first bond was purely to keep the bloodlines going. It couldn’t exist between two males. Or it shouldn’t have. 

Tommy swallows once, trying to get rid of the dryness in his throat. He lets Adam pull him toward the couch, aware that only Adam’s hand’s touching him. Tommy curls up in a corner. Near yet far. 

Tommy knows Adam is still looking at him, at the scars he always keeps hidden. “What happened tonight?” The same question again, the one Tommy doesn’t want to answer. Once more, his nails dig little crescents into his palms. As long as he can say it’s the Black and Red, he can forget. 

He can convince himself he’s safe, that he can open himself up again. He can believe this thing between them can go somewhere, and that he isn’t always going to start shaking like a leaf at the idea of being touched. He wants to forget and live.

It’s not going to happen. Not with the way Adam’s looking at him, waiting for an answer, like he knows that Tommy’s not telling the whole truth. Tommy looks down at the floor. He feels better than he did earlier. The last thing he wants is to lose himself again, to be so out of control that he forgets who, what, he is.

He also knows that Adam’s not going to let this go. While Adam cares about him, he’s responsible for his clan. No matter what most born weres believe, bitten weres are just as protective, just as loyal.

Since Tommy attacked Allison earlier, there’s no way Adam can let it go without being sure that Tommy isn’t going to lose control again. That’s the problem. Tommy doesn’t know if he could stop it. There’s no way Adam missed how Terrance forced Tommy to change back. 

Tommy has no choice but to talk. It had to happen at some point. That’s why he started by showing Adam his scars. Partly in the hope that he’d be able to say as little as possible, but mostly so he could create this little space for himself, make it safe enough to speak. 

The words get stuck in Tommy’s throat. He’s never said them out loud, not even once. Terrance knows just enough not to ask. That’s one of the reasons Tommy gave Terrance alpha powers over him. So that he had at least one person around him who would never push, but who could hold him back if he needed it. 

Yet all it did was make what happened tonight even more complicated. Tommy knows the only reason Adam didn’t say anything was that Terrance saved Allison’s life. Tommy’s wolf wouldn’t have stopped, would’ve left his human side to deal with consequences.

Tommy’s still an outsider, still a born were who lost his family and isn’t ready to replace them with Adam’s clan. Tommy hadn’t thought about how it would look to Adam, the actual alpha. He just wanted to feel safe. He hadn’t thought about the breach of hierarchy, or the fact that it could make Adam refuse Tommy later. 

“I need you to tell me. You know that, right?” Adam isn’t touching him any longer. The way Adam’s looking at him, Tommy knows that if he doesn’t explain, Adam’s not going to let him near any of his family, ever again.

Tommy doesn’t know what will hurt the most. Losing all of them, losing Adam, or having to give voice to his pain. He doesn’t want to lose that part of himself, either. Saying the words makes him feel like it’s happening all over again. He’s already tried.

Tommy looks up at the window. The moon’s full tomorrow. He’s supposed to go running with Adam and his clan. Now he doesn’t know if it will happen. He wants to, but he knows that Adam won’t let him if he can’t get the words out.

“Are you going to say something?” Adam’s losing his patience. 

Deep breath. “I nearly went mad as well. They tried. In a way, I was the lucky one.” Tommy stops, closes his eyes again. He starts to shake, but he keeps going anyway. 

“They did such a number on Simon that he didn’t recognize me anymore. His wolf went berserk whenever I came close.”

Adam’s hand slips toward his, and he links their fingers. Tommy lets him do it, blinking back the tears that want to fall. 

“It was the Black and Red’s fault. I didn’t lie about that. But it was Simon who attacked me.”

Tommy’s voice breaks then.

Tommy tries, but the words get caught somewhere between his head and his mouth. He can’t say it. He slips his hand out of Adam’s grip and walks back toward the window, palms flat against the glass. He looks up at the moon. 

“Someone yelled his name in the bar tonight. That’s why I freaked out.”

No way he can say anything more. The rest has to stay locked safely inside his head. How he called out Simon’s name, over and over, hoping it would make Simon stop. 

How he screamed until his voice gave out, until he blacked out.

Steps behind him. Tommy doesn’t dare look back, knowing that this is where it could end, that he could lose everything he’s built up over the last few weeks. He feels Adam’s heat at his back, and his hands try to close on themselves. 

Adam’s hand goes up against the bondmark, barely there. A butterfly touch.

Tommy bends forward until his forehead is resting against the cool glass. He’s lost. He knows he can’t hope for much. 

“Run with us tomorrow night.” Adam’s voice is barely a whisper in Tommy’s ear. “We can work out the rest between the full moons.” 

***

“I can’t allow that.” Adam’s voice carries across the room to where Tommy is curled up on a chair. At least he waited until they were alone. 

Tommy doesn’t dare look at him. He’s lucky Adam waited this long before confronting him, giving him time to find himself again after his loss of control the other night. Tommy knows it can’t wait any longer. He said too much, and not enough afterward, when Adam asked. He’s still trying to protect himself, still holding onto the pain like it’s the only thing keeping him alive.

He still doesn’t know how to explain.

Tommy will need to find the words this time, even if there’s still a part he’s not willing to tell. He will do whatever he has to do to stay. 

Tommy had known since the last full moon, when Cam told him that he should take a few days off from the bar, that Adam would insist they talk. He’s aware it’s not out of concern for him. Doesn’t means he has to like it. 

Still he didn’t help by avoiding Adam all the time. Ever since their last talk, Tommy has made sure he was never alone in a room with Adam.

Tommy knows he’s being silly. They need to talk. He can’t avoid it forever. He knows he won’t be allowed to stay if they don’t, and it’s the first time in years he’s had some stability, a place to come home to. People who will worry over him. He doesn’t want to lose that, but he’s not ready to feel like he owes them.

Tommy looks back at Adam, who’s still standing near the door. “I need it. You’ve seen what could happen.”

“Yes, but not like that. I can’t let Terrance do it.”

“He offered.” Tommy knows he’s grasping at straws; that no matter what he says, things have to change. He should be happy Adam let him stay. He could have lost them all after the other night. 

“I know he did,” Adam answers. “I’ve already worked it out with him. Right now, I’m talking to you.”

“You’ve seen it,” Tommy repeats. He makes an effort not to look away, to focus on Adam. “If I can’t have him, I’m a danger to everyone around me.” And to himself as well, but he doesn’t need to say that. Adam knows it. 

“A real alpha would do a better job.” As he speaks, Adam crosses the room and Tommy’s heart stutters.

No. He can’t. There’s a reason why he didn’t ask Adam, why he never mentioned it. 

Terrance had to find out by himself, to see Tommy’s control come so close to slipping through his fingers for Tommy to admit it to Terrance. Tommy hides it as best as he can, just like the scars, for his own protection. 

When his family got him out of the place where the Black and Red kept Simon, he discovered he couldn’t control his wolf. 

Tommy never told anyone. That was part of the reason why he ran away. He wasn’t crazy back then, but he’d known he couldn’t be far from it if his wolf only came out when he was scared, or in danger. 

It took Tommy months to pull himself back together, to only change by his choice alone again. He knew that made him vulnerable. The wolf would submit to just about anyone who knew how to handle it.

If he isn’t careful, he won’t be able to choose his clan, or his alpha, even if his human side rebels.

All his wolf wants is to curl up in a corner and lick its wounds, but Tommy can’t let it. For years he was on the run, never belonging anywhere, always an outsider. The safe space his wolf needed to heal just out of reach, forcing Tommy to keep going even when it hurt. 

That’s what makes him the most vulnerable. The fact that his wolf is getting desperate for a few moments of peace makes Tommy easy prey for any alpha who wants him. 

Tommy learned the hard way that he shouldn’t trust bitten weres.

He’s doing better now, but he’s not perfect. His wolf still wants to belong so badly, even if it got hurt the last time. It’s still looking for a family. His human side wants that too, but he’s a lot more careful. A real alpha, one who figures out where his weaknesses are, could do whatever he wanted with him. Adam doesn’t know that yet, and Tommy doesn’t want him to find out. 

Adam crouches down beside Tommy’s chair. Tommy shakes his head. “I don’t want that.”

“No? Why not?” Adam sounds more curious than anything else. 

Tommy looks away. 

He has no idea how to explain it. To someone who wasn’t born in a clan, who was bitten and had to create a family for himself, it’s not the same thing. No matter how much he cares about Adam and his people, it still feels like he’s replacing what he threw away. 

Even if he wanted to, Tommy can’t go back. That’s what hurts the most. Knowing that his family is still out there, that if he wasn’t so fucked up, he could go back and be with the people who raised him. For him, they are family.

Families aren’t friends who choose each other. They’re part of each other from the beginning. Maybe you don’t get along with everyone, but they’ve always been there. 

Tommy doesn’t know how to explain that without sounding like he’s insulting bitten weres. So, instead he says, “It’s not like it would change that much.” 

Adam puts his hand on Tommy’s arm. Tommy makes an effort not to shake him off, to look back at him. “Yes, it would.” Adam says. “I could feel it before it happens, maybe prevent it.”

Tommy wonders if he’s serious. “That’s not the way it works.”

“For us, yes, it is.” Adam’s voice comes out harder. 

This time Tommy pulls his arm out of Adam’s grip, curls in on himself a little bit more. He knows Adam isn’t angry; he just can’t help but react. He forgot, again, all the differences between bitten and born weres. His wolf doesn’t react the same as Adam’s. The opposite is also true.

“I’m a born were,” Tommy reminds Adam. “It wouldn’t work with me.”

“So is Allison. Not that much difference.” Adam’s looking at Tommy as he talks, wanting him to accept, to make this easier for them both.

“Come on, Adam. She’s still a teenager. She doesn’t even control her changes yet. Makes it easy.”

“You’re really not helping me, you know that?” As he speaks, Adam stands up again. “Are you trying to make me send you away?”

Tommy doesn’t answer. Maybe he is. The full moon was weird, far from the exhilarating feeling he remembers from running with his clan. With Allison trying to stay as far away from him as she could, all the tension between Adam and Terrance… He’s been expecting Adam to tell him he’s not welcome among them anymore since that night.

“You know telling you to go isn’t what I want. I’m sure it’s not what you want either. You have to help me here.”

Looking up at Adam, Tommy still doesn’t say a word. He’s just waiting.

Adam sighs and keeps going. “It could work. It would work, if you choose it like you did with Terrance. I would feel it whenever you’re about to slip.”

“We both know it wouldn’t be a choice.”

“Fuck, Tommy, are you doing this on purpose? It could’ve been a choice, if I’d known it before, if either of you had told me.”

Tommy knows he’s being stubborn and is making this a lot harder than it should be. But he doesn’t want to give anyone that much power over him ever again. It’s too frightening. 

The only reason he felt comfortable with Terrance was that he didn’t remind Tommy of Simon in any way. Adam feels far too familiar, right down to the vibes that come from him all the time. Tommy knows that if Adam chose, he could make Tommy do whatever he wanted, without even trying. 

No way Tommy can let that happen. Not after he spent so long finding himself again. 

“I’m not sure what you want to hear,” Adam says when it becomes clear Tommy won’t answer. “It’s not even about what happened to you. It’s the simple fact that if you’re going to stay with us, I can’t permit anyone else from my clan to hold alpha power over you.”

The question is out of Tommy’s mouth before he can stop it. “Why not?”

Adam looks down at him, like he can’t believe Tommy’s actually asking that. He takes a step back, a deep breath, clearly losing his patience. Tommy’s back goes rigid as he realizes he’s playing with fire. 

“Because neither of you had the common sense to come to me first. I wasn’t even aware of it, and it showed that night. To any were in that club, it looked like I was being challenged by my own clan.”

Tommy looks down at the floor. He knew that, of course. He figured out, the other night, that he’d put both Adam and Terrance in an awkward position. But he wanted to believe that it was something that could be solved without any life changing decisions. 

He’s not ready to let go. The pain keeps him alive. 

“I can’t just ignore it,” Adam says. “If I do, I’m putting my whole family in danger. I can’t do that.”

“I know,” Tommy answers, still not looking at Adam. “I hoped…”

He stops. He doesn’t know what he hoped anymore. Just that he needed a safe space, and Terrance offered one. Tommy didn’t think any farther than that. 

“From here, it’s your choice.” Tommy looks up as Adam speaks. “You’re welcome to stay, but I become your alpha.”

“Can’t do that.” Tommy doesn’t even need to think. That’s just too dangerous. He’s going to lose himself if he accepts. 

“Tommy…” Adam can’t finish. 

Tommy interrupts him. “It’s not a choice you’re giving me. Don’t you get it?”

He feels like he just got caught in a trap. The last thing he wants is for someone who is a true alpha to have power over him. Terrance felt safe because he was only there if Tommy needed it. Tommy knew Terrance wouldn’t ask anything from him. If he hands alpha power to Adam, it obviously won’t be anywhere near that simple. 

He’ll have obligations and responsibilities, be expected to be part of the clan. That’s what scares him the most. 

“I know it’s not a choice”, Adam says, crossing his arms. “But you forced my hand. If I let you stay without asking for that, it’ll look like I’m being challenged by my clan, and I’m not doing anything to stop it. That will leave us open to attack from other clans and from the Black and Red. I can’t let that happen.”

Tommy looks at Adam without really seeing him. He always forgets how little he knows about the way bitten were clans work, about all the fighting that doesn’t make sense to him. Born weres don’t do that.

Pureblood clans have rules and hierarchies, sure, but they never have to fight for their territory. No one is going to challenge you when you’ve got multiple families living together on territory that has been passed down through generations. 

Clans of bitten wolves are smaller, younger. The hierarchy is a lot more important to them because it keeps everyone safe. Tommy knows that Adam’s clan is an anomaly, what with them caring about each other the way…

…the way a real clan would. He’s still looking down on them, he realizes, when he forces himself to complete his thought. 

Tommy stands up, meets Adam’s eyes. “No. I can’t.”

“You’re lucky that’s all I’m asking for, Tommy. My clan has to come first.” Adam’s answer makes Tommy frown.

“You’re already asking for a whole fucking lot!”

Adam takes another step back. “If you’re trying to make me lose my temper, it won’t work. I’m not asking for that much, and you know it. For now, at least.”

Tommy freezes. The last words replay in his head. For now. Which means it won’t last. Adam will ask for more. 

“It’s your choice. If you really can’t take it, you’re free to go.”

“You’re not asking. You’re telling me.” Tommy doesn’t even know why he’s still arguing. Only that he needs to keep going because he’s scared of what he’ll see if he stops. 

“Yes, I am.” Adam sighs and turns his back on Tommy. “If you’d talked to me before, we could have worked something out. As things stand now, I don’t have a choice either.”

“Adam…” Tommy stops when Adam turns around, his face blank.

“No, Tommy. If you refuse, we’re done. I’m sorry.” 

He isn’t Adam anymore. He’s an alpha responsible for his clan, who sees Tommy as an outsider. 

“What else will change?” Tommy wants to hit himself for asking. He should already be packing his bags, yet he’s still there. Adam’s vibes are way too compelling to resist. 

Adam turns around, surprised. “Nothing else for now. I just want to make sure everyone’s safe, including you. You get a place to stay, a clan.”

A family. Adam doesn’t dare to say those words, knowing how much they mean to Tommy, but that’s what he’s offering. Tommy knows he should feel relieved he hasn’t lost everything. But he can’t. Becoming a part of this family means forgetting his. 

Tommy tries to find the right words, but they don’t come to him. He hasn’t been this scared very often in his life. 

The risk is so big he doesn’t even want to think about it. And yet there is something in Adam that compels him, that makes it impossible for him to leave. Realizing everything he has to lose in order to keep that nearly gets him shaking again. 

He only hopes that Adam isn’t lying to him.

Forcing himself to cross the distance separating him from Adam, Tommy offers his hand, palm up. 

And then Tommy waits.

Adam looks down at him, hesitating like he doesn’t quite believe it. He knows what this gesture means; it’s impossible that he doesn’t. 

“Are you sure?” Adam asks.

No. Absolutely not. However, it’s the only way Tommy knows to make sure he can’t change his mind. He will if he doesn’t make this vow. Or he’ll run away. And Adam was right about one thing: the last thing Tommy wants to do is leave.

“I’m sure.” Tommy replies. It should be followed by _I trust you_ , but he can’t say that. Not yet. Both of them would know it’s a lie. 

Adam crosses the remaining space between them. The nails of Tommy’s other hand bite into his palm as he tries to keep himself from running. 

Adam raises his hand, closes his fingers around Tommy’s wrist. Tommy forces himself to breathe, the pain from his other hand helping him control the panic that threatens to take over. He needs to do this. 

He’s still looking at Adam’s face not at his hand, which has changed halfway into a paw, or at the claws that are drawing blood from Tommy’s wrist. Leaving scars that he chose. 

A promise. A vow. Making sure Tommy won’t run.

Adam wouldn’t ask for it, which is why Tommy suggested it, for himself more than anything else. Hoping he could persuade himself that he wants this.

And he does, really. It would be foolish to pretend he doesn’t. He wants to believe that he can still piece himself back together. That what there is between them can go somewhere. He needs to believe it. 

That’s why he’s doing this. To prove to himself that he still can. That he’s able to make choices, to trust those who matter to him. 

“Next full moon?” Adam asks. 

Tommy nods. “Next full moon.”

***

After hours of staring at the ceiling, listening to the soft noise of the rain falling on the roof, Tommy gets out of bed. It doesn’t matter that he needs to rest, sleep is eluding him. 

The house is empty and quiet. Everybody’s gone to the club and won’t be back for a few hours. In the meantime, Tommy tiptoes his way to the other side of the house, to the big room that’s been turned into a library. He’s not that interested in the books, but he remembers comfortable couches and big windows that go from the floor to the ceiling. 

All he wants is to sit there and watch the rain fall. Maybe remember the time when he was a kid, watching thunderstorms through an open window, hiding with Simon on the top floor of the house so they wouldn’t be found and yelled at about how dangerous it was. 

When he enters the room, the first thing he notices is a small candle on a table. Then he sees Allison sitting in a armchair, her legs tucked under her, her cane abandoned on the floor. 

He’s tempted to step out of the library before she can notice him. She still makes every effort she can to avoid him. He doesn’t want to make her uneasy, but it makes him feel even worse to see how afraid she is of him. 

Taking a couple of steps back, he waits before he walks in again, making enough noise to be sure that she can hear him and he doesn’t startle her. 

He looks up to find her staring holes through his face. “Can I come in?”

“It’s not my room. You don’t have to ask.”

Tommy nods, but he doesn’t move. “I know.”

He waits, expecting her to ask him to leave her alone. Instead, she shrugs. Her voice is oddly formal when she replies, “As long as you don’t bite.”

It takes Tommy a few seconds to recognize the ritualistic formula, and a couple more to remember the right answer. He can’t help but wonder how Allison knows of it, even as he says, “I’ll keep the claws in.”

“Come in.”

He walks over, sits on the couch next to her. He stares at the window. The curtains are wide open, and he smiles when he realizes that he’s not the only one who likes to watch the rain fall. 

Allison’s fingers tap a rhythm on the couch. Tommy can’t help but look as he tries to figure out what it is – it sounds familiar but he can’t place it – and he can’t look away. To the point where Allison asks, annoyed, “what are you staring at?”

“You don’t have any marks.” 

She grinds her teeth turns back to the window, shrugging a little. “All you gave me were a couple of scratches. They’re already gone.”

Her tone is careful, but Tommy knows she’s lying. While his loss of the control from the other night is a blur of feelings that he can’t place, some images and sensations are burned in his mind. He remembers his claws slicing deep into soft flesh all too well. 

Even if he didn’t, he would wonder. Allison wouldn’t be this scared of him over a few scratches. “You expect me to believe you? With how fast you start running…” Tommy interrupts himself when he realizes how insensitive his wording is, but he’s not fast enough, and Allison’s face closes off before he says, “…how fast you hurry out of every room when I come in. It’s clear it was more than just scratches.”

“Compared to this,” she makes a vague motion toward her bad leg, “it was nothing. Neil healed me the same night.”

Tommy does his best to hide his surprise when he hears that. The idea that somebody other than the alpha would have healing powers isn’t alien to him, but only because he grew up in a clan of born weres. What born weres see as an asset is a weakness for bitten weres. The show of trust that is the sharing of powers, means nothing to born weres, but indicates an alpha who can’t control his clan to bitten weres. 

“I’m sorry. For attacking you.”

“They told me it wasn’t your fault.” 

Surprised, Tommy glances at Allison. From the dubious look on her face, he knows she doesn’t believe a word of what she just said. He hesitates, aware that she handed him an easy way out, but he doesn’t take it. “That was nice of them.”

“Isn’t it true?” Allison asks, a little surprised. 

“I didn’t mean to attack you, that much is true,” Tommy says, carefully choosing his words. “But it was my fault. There’s no excuse for attacking a cub.” 

Allison cocks her head and looks at him, like he’s an intriguing puzzle she’s trying to decipher. “You’re different. From most bitten weres, I mean.” 

He shrugs. “That’s one of the rules I grew up with. At my age, I should have enough control to prevent unwanted changes.” 

That’s part of why his loss of control the other night left him feeling so lost. He honestly thought he was doing better. That night proved to him that he really isn’t. 

“What happened?” It takes a few seconds for Tommy to realize that Allison isn’t talking only about his loss of control. “Can you explain it to me? At least try.”

Tommy lets the silence grow and grow, only the soft sound of rain falling against the window breaking it. He doesn’t know how to explain, not when his head is still such a mess. 

“I panicked.” It’s the easiest explanation Tommy can come up with, but Allison doesn’t say anything. She’s waiting for more. He sighs. “I was… attacked when I was younger. I’m lucky to still be alive and sane. But sometimes the memories are enough to take me back there. Like it happened yesterday instead of years ago.”

“It was the Black and Red… wasn’t it?” Allison whispers, so soft Tommy can barely hear her, but it doesn’t hide the fact that there is so much more behind her words. So much that she doesn’t say. 

For a second, he wonders how she guessed that part. He won’t ask, but he doesn’t like the possibilities she’s implying. “Yes, it was.” He’s glad that she doesn’t ask why, that it seems to be enough for now. 

The rain is slowing down and the others will be back soon. Tommy stands, ready to give sleep another try. Allison’s voice stops him just before he passes through the door. “They were right, you know.”

He looks at her over his shoulder. “About what?”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

He shakes his head, not even wanting to consider why she’s saying that. “If you say so.”

***

“Are you okay, Tommy?”

Terrance’s voice seems so far away Tommy barely hears him. Tommy’s fucking not okay, but he can’t even answer. Terrance, Isaac and Allison’s worrying about him is taking over his mind, making it worse. He’s facing a wall, holding onto the last bit of his control. Everything is too loud. There are pinpricks under his skin, pain that’s putting him on edge. 

Tommy slaps his hands against the wall, trying one last time to bring his wolf back under control. He focuses on the wood under his fingers, pretending that nothing else exists. It’s not enough. His skin ripples. 

Far away from the red veil obscuring his eyes, Tommy hears a voice screaming “Adam!” but it doesn’t help. 

He hurts. Everywhere. Still trying to prevent it, to change back before he can hurt anyone. The feelings all around him grow, hitting him harder, pushing under his skin until his barriers break down. Sensations, voices, everything that’s not his and that he’s never had to deal with. 

Tommy thought it would work, that it would be okay, and it was for a couple of hours. Now, it’s too much, and he can’t handle it. He doesn’t know what’s his, what isn’t. 

They’re all in Tommy’s head, all of their thoughts, unwelcome, intrusive. Even the feelings, the simple stuff like the vibes they give out, are bright enough to burn him at his core. Being in a clan never felt like this. 

Bones crack, skin melts. In the back of his mind, a wolf howls and comes out of hiding. It’s scared, but can’t run. Never could. Stuck. Alpha power stops it. Always.

Must fight. Hide. Run. 

Alpha. Strong. Hurts even more. Powers tying him down. A wolf howling in pain. 

And then Tommy’s back, naked, shaking on the floor. He can barely breathe.

He can feel their eyes on him, fixated on the scars decorating his back. In his wolf form, they disappear. But when he’s forced to change back like that, there are a few seconds when the tattoos haven’t reappeared yet and his scars are in plain sight. 

Someone’s holding him. Instinct tells Tommy to fight him off, to fight back now that he can. Hands grab Tommy’s wrists and bring them in front of him. Tommy’s held against a larger body, safe. 

“You’re hurting him!” Allison’s voice seems to come from somewhere far away. Tommy’s lost inside his own head. 

“Terrance, get them out.” Adam’s voice in Tommy’s ear brings him back to reality. The fight goes out of him and he lets himself collapse on the floor, closing his eyes to hold back the tears. 

“Adam…” Allison again. 

“I said out!” This time it’s an order, one they have no choice but to obey. Tommy hears the door close behind them. 

He’s still shaking, and the wolf is right there, just under the surface, fighting to get free, and Adam’s still immobilizing him.

“I’m going to let you go now.” Just a breath, a whisper against his ear.

Adam releases Tommy’s wrists and lowers him to the floor. Tommy brings his hands up to cover his face. Tears are still threatening to fall, and shivers go up and down his back. At least he’s stopped shaking. 

Adam wraps a big blanket around him. Then he maneuvers them both, until he’s sitting with his back to the wall and Tommy’s in his lap. Tommy closes his arms around himself, holding the sides of the blanket, as if he wants to keep Adam away. He hides his face against Adam’s chest, letting his wolf find safety where it wants. 

Neither says a word. The sound of Tommy’s harsh breathing breaks the silence. The tears are still there, burning behind his eyelids. He’s curled in on himself, barely feeling Adam’s arms holding him in his lap. 

One of Adam’s hands moves, sliding down Tommy’s back over the blanket. Tommy shivers but doesn’t try to push him away. Not this time. 

“I felt it”, Adam says, when it becomes clear Tommy’s not going to speak. “Before you changed. I felt the wolf going mad, scared. But I couldn’t stop you, no matter how hard I tried.”

“Told you it wouldn’t work for me.” Tommy’s voice is muffled in Adam’s chest, and he vaguely hopes Adam didn’t hear him. Adam’s hand stops moving on his back. 

“Don’t play that game with me.” Adam is right there, yet his voice sounds so far away. Tommy bites at his own lip. He’s slipping away, and he can’t let that happen again. “I tried. But somehow you stopped me, just like you stopped me from shielding you from the others.”

“And you didn’t answer me,” Adam says after a few more seconds of silence. “Why are you pushing me out?”

“I’m not,” Tommy tries to say, but Adam interrupts him.

“Yes, you are. Whenever I try to reach your mind… you just fade away. You disappear, and it doesn’t work. But the only reason it doesn’t work is that you’re stopping me.”

Cold sweat breaks out all over Tommy’s skin. He knew from the start what Adam was talking about. He just didn’t want to admit it. Pushing the thought out of his mind protected him, but now it’s hitting him straight in the face.

Tommy’s first instinct is to move away from Adam as fast as he can. 

He’s barely turned his back on Adam when Adam’s hands lock on his shoulders. 

“Don’t walk away from me again.” It’s an order, one that Tommy can’t disobey. He curls in on himself again, head down, hands shaking as he searches for the right words. His throat is too dry to speak, and his vocal cords aren’t working anymore. Tommy swallows once, twice, Adam’s hands weighing a ton on his shoulders. 

When he finally answers, it’s in a barely audible whisper. “Simon was our future alpha. Because of that, he already had alpha powers over clan members his age or younger.”

Adam’s grip on his shoulders tightens, and Tommy has to close his eyes as he fights the bile coming up in his throat. He needs to keep control of himself. 

“I couldn’t fight back.” Tommy’s mouth tastes of blood, but he forces himself to keep going. “I couldn’t even change. He stopped me. Maybe he didn’t realize it, but…”

Tommy’s voice breaks. He can’t say anything else. Adam pulls Tommy toward him, and Tommy lets himself fall back against Adam’s chest, his hands still grasping the sides of the blanket. Adam puts his arms around him, just holding him.

His hands closed so tight they hurt, tension written on his whole body, Tommy remains still. Slowly Adam moves his hands, tracing soft circles on Tommy’s back, a barely there caress on Tommy’s arms. Tommy closes his eyes and doesn’t stop Adam, trying to relax into the hypnotic rhythm of Adam’s hands on his body. 

The panic disappears, chased away by the vibes coming from Adam. Without a word, Tommy mimics Adam’s breathing, welcoming the fog that surrounds his mind, so far from the usual violent storm that follows loss of control. So peaceful, he could lose himself in it.

“We’ll have to talk later, but… let me take care of you for now. Will you?”

Maybe it’s the fact that Adam asked when he didn’t have to. Or maybe Tommy’s just so fucking tired after tonight’s loss of control. He nods, but Adam doesn’t move. Tommy clears his throat, trying to get his voice back again. 

It still feels like he’s giving up, but Tommy doesn’t care. He needs to let go, if only for a few hours. 

“Yes, please.” As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Adam’s standing up. Tommy follows on shaky legs. 

“Think you can walk?” Adam asks. Tommy looks up at him, fighting off the first instinct to feel insulted and respond that, of course, he can walk. Adam’s eyes are full of nothing but concern. 

Tommy’s muscles feel knotted all over. He swallows his pride and shakes his head. He’s not sure his legs can carry him. 

“Let me.” Adam’s voice is barely a whisper, but once again he manages to make it feel like he’s asking, nothing more. 

Tommy nods, lets Adam gather him in his arms. Tommy lays his head against Adam’s shoulder. For now, he feels safe.

They don’t come across anyone as Adam walks through the house, Tommy gathered in his arms as if he weighs nothing. The others know better than to put themselves in Adam’s way. 

Tomorrow, Tommy will have to hunt down Allison and tell her it wasn’t her fault. For now, though, he’s just glad to let all the worries disappear in the cocoon of warmth that Adam’s vibes are creating around him. 

Adam gets them to his room before setting Tommy on his feet. Tommy’s legs buckle under him, and he barely manages to get himself on the bed before he collapses.

Bringing his hand to Tommy’s head, Adam slips his fingers through Tommy’s bangs, stopping on his cheek. Without meaning to, Tommy chases after the caress when Adam takes his hand away. He feels so empty after tonight’s loss of control that he can’t help it. His wolf is at the forefront, and there’s no way Tommy can rein it in. 

“I’ll get you some clothes, okay?” Adam steps back.

Tommy’s already missing the feeling of Adam’s hand, but he nods anyway. He’s glad to have a few minutes to try and get himself together before it’s too late. 

The peaceful feeling leaves Tommy as soon as Adam walks out of the room. He curls up on the bed, hiding in the blanket. Trying to keep the panic at bay, he focuses on breathing slowly. 

What is he doing? Letting down his defenses like that is the last thing he needs right now. Letting Adam in is such a big risk, Tommy doesn’t even want to think about it. Yet he has a feeling he won’t be able to stop it. His wolf already trusts Adam with his life, even if his human side wants to step back.

Besides, Tommy’s exhausted, and the little haven Adam is offering is so fucking tempting. 

His nerves start acting up again when Adam comes back and hands him sweats and a tee. Tommy’s back goes rigid as he lets go of the blanket to put on the clothes. He won’t ask Adam to get out of the room, no matter how tempting it is. Tommy’s careful not to look over to where Adam is changing his own clothes, a few feet away, his back to Tommy. If Tommy looks, his wolf will want. His human side isn’t ready to deal with the desire.

Tommy’s getting scared again. His wolf wants nothing more than to regain the peace and quiet it found in Adam’s arms, but Tommy’s digging his heels in to stop it. He knows that letting the wolf take over right now isn’t a good idea. 

He’s lost, aware that the desire is his, but not ready to acknowledge it yet. He doesn’t think he’ll ever feel safe enough to act on it, so it’s better to just forget it, or at least to try. The thought alone is enough to frighten him. 

Once he’s changed, he stays hunched in on himself.

“I would never hurt you. I hope you know that,” Adam says, his voice barely above a whisper. The bed dips under his weight. He places his hands on Tommy’s back. 

In that moment, Tommy hates Adam for being able to read him so easily. But above all, he’s frustrated with himself, with the fact that he can’t hide when Adam’s around. 

Adam’s hands are tracing the patterns of Tommy’s scars across his shirt like he’s already memorized them. Adam’s careful, but Tommy knows that even if he tried, he couldn’t push Adam away. 

“Let me take care of you.” Adam repeats. The caress is still just a light touch, offering comfort, nothing more. 

Tommy takes a deep breath. Just for tonight. A safe place to lie down and let his wolf rest a bit. Slowly, he nods. 

He lets Adam pull him onto the bed until they’re lying down, face to face, but barely touching. Far enough apart that Tommy won’t feel threatened. Adam seems to instinctively understand what Tommy needs. It’s almost scary.

Adam’s hand goes up into Tommy’s hair. Tommy closes his eyes and lets himself relax into the peaceful feeling. And then Adam’s hand slide over Tommy’s face to end up against his neck, right where his old bond mark had been. 

“You should have told me,” Adam starts to say, and Tommy interrupts him. 

“I did.”

Adam’s presses his hand against Tommy’s neck. “I mean that he was your alpha. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have pushed so hard.”

“It’s not your fault.” Tommy really believes what he’s saying. Adam was right earlier tonight. By hiding so much, Tommy left both of them unable to make a choice.

“Is that why you lost control tonight? Because of the vow you made earlier?”

Tommy stares over Adam’s shoulder, taking a second to gather his thoughts. Then he lets himself fall into the pressure of Adam’s hand on his neck. 

When he’s ready, he looks back at Adam. “I think so. My wolf wants to belong somewhere so much that he’s already adopted you guys as his family. I didn’t think it would happen so fast.”

Tommy can only hope it will be enough. That’s not all there is, but there’s no way he’s explaining the rest now. The last thing he wants is for Adam to be aware of how his wolf reacts. 

“Why are you scared of me?” As Adam asks, Tommy tries to look away. Adam moves his hands higher on Tommy’s neck, holding him just under the chin to stop him. “No, look at me.”

“I’m not scared.” It’s a lot harder to say that while looking at Adam, but Tommy manages. 

“Who are you trying to convince right now? Me, or yourself?”

Maybe both. Tommy has no idea how he’s supposed to answer that. The only way to stop this before Adam can go any further is to say that Tommy trusts him, and that would still be a lie.

“You know why.” Not the whole truth, but close enough that Tommy hopes it will stop the discussion. Of course, it doesn’t. 

“No, I don’t. Trying to get something out of you is like pulling teeth every time.” Adam lowers his hand on Tommy’s neck again as he speaks. “I understand there’s stuff you don’t want to talk about, and I won’t force you. But you can’t keep hiding things this big from me. Not if we want this to work.”

“I didn’t know it would happen,” Tommy tries to say. 

“If you’d told me, I would have.”

Tommy is left speechless. He should have seen that coming. Sometimes it terrifies him how easily Adam can read him. 

“I couldn’t,” is all Tommy says. 

Adam looks at him for a long minute, not moving, like he can see into Tommy’s very soul. “Do you want to know how it looks to me?”

Tommy’s pretty sure he isn’t going to like it, but he nods anyway. “Go ahead.”

“Your wolf’s trying to heal, but you’re not letting it. So when you took that vow, it latched onto us and took us all in, adopted us as its new clan.”

Tommy bites his tongue, trying to stop himself from voicing the answer. Adam’s so close to discovering the truth. The last thing Tommy wants is to help him along. In the end, he can’t stop himself.

“It’s not tying itself to your clan,” Tommy finally explains. “It’s tying itself to your wolf. Somehow it’s already accepted you. It scares me.”

As soon as he’s said that, Tommy closes his eyes, wanting to take the words back. He tried, but he couldn’t fight the pull of Adam’s vibes. He basically just offered his biggest weakness to Adam on a silver platter. 

Adam moves so slowly that Tommy could stop him, but he finds he doesn’t want to. His wolf wants the peace and comfort Adam is offering, and to Tommy’s surprise, he realizes that his human side’s own need is finally overriding his fears.

Adam brings Tommy closer until they are lying forehead to forehead, so close Tommy can feel Adam’s breath on his face. 

“Thank you for telling me.”

Tommy lets himself be pulled into Adam’s arms, the exhaustion quickly claiming him, stronger than the fear. He doesn’t understand why it’s so easy, but he doesn’t even want to try.

“Just sleep.” Nothing exists anymore but Adam’s voice. “I’ll keep you safe. I promise.”

For once, being so close to somebody else’s heat and vibes doesn’t make Tommy panic. A little voice at the back of his mind is telling him that he’s let Adam in too far. 

Tommy doesn’t listen to it as Adam repeats, “You need sleep, Tommy.” As he speaks, he pulls Tommy under the covers with him.

Adam brings his hands up to Tommy’s back, tracing the pattern of the scars. Tommy hides in the comfort Adam is offering and falls asleep.

***

When he wakes up, Tommy is still lost in that contented, peaceful fog. So much so that it takes him a few seconds to realize he’s not alone in bed. The moment he remembers, it feels like someone just threw a bucket of icy water at his head. His first instinct is to flee as the events of the night come back to him. He let Adam in way too far, and he has no idea if he can back down. 

As Tommy tries to slide out of bed, Adam grabs onto Tommy’s hand. 

“Stay. Please.”

It’s way too easy to bury himself under the covers again, to let his head fall back against the pillow. Tommy’s wolf is still at the forefront, wanting nothing more than to get back to the peace and quiet of a few seconds earlier. 

Adam massages Tommy’s shoulder, making him hiss in pain. Tommy’s muscles still hurt all over from being forced to change twice in such a short period of time. 

“A hot bath would help you feel better. I’ll get us some breakfast in the meantime. Does that works for you?” Adam asks.

Adam slips out of bed, and Tommy has to force himself not to try and follow him. Adam brings his hand to Tommy’s cheek.

“Are you okay?

Tommy opens in eyes, suddenly realizing what he’s done. Within seconds, he’s moved over Adam’s side of the bed, finding refuge in the scent, the heat, the vibes Adam left behind. Tommy’s gone way too far.

However, he doesn’t say that. He just shrugs. “I’m fine. Still a bit exhausted, that’s all.”

Adam doesn’t believe him, Tommy can tell from the look on his face, but Adam doesn’t say anything for now.

Not wanting to discuss it, Tommy makes his way out of bed. A bath sounds like an amazing idea right now. Just as he’s about to enter the bathroom, Adam takes hold of his wrist. Tommy turns to face Adam as Adam’s fingers take the exact same position around Tommy’s wrist that his claws had two nights ago. 

“I could heal them, if you want.” Adam’s suggestion leaves Tommy speechless. While Tommy’s still trying to figure out how he’s supposed to answer, Adam lets go of him and leaves the room. 

Tommy stays like that, not moving, wondering what Adam meant. It doesn’t make any sense.

Moments later, Tommy’s getting into the bath, hot water like pure bliss on his skin. His gaze goes to the claw marks on his wrist as he pulls his hand out of the water. The marks haven’t scarred; they’re still angry red against his pale skin. He traces them with the fingers of his other hand. 

He has no idea why Adam is backtracking and he’s not sure he wants to know. This, for the first time in months, feels real. Although he’s aware that the only reason he said yes was because Adam put his back against the wall. 

And yet Tommy can’t bring himself to mind, or to be angry. It still frightens him, there’s no denying that, as do his wolf’s reactions whenever Adam is around. He knows he could lose himself, but it’s getting harder to care. 

He fits his fingers to the claw marks, following the pattern Adam engraved on his skin. He doesn’t want to have them healed. At some point, they’ll be just a memory, as much as the scars decorating his back and chest. But just like the tattoos covering his back, these are scars he chose. 

He drops his hand back into the water.

The smell of meat brings Tommy out of the bathroom to be greeted by the sight of enough food for at least four people. He looks up from the table to Adam, who offers him a tight smile. “Thought you’d be hungry after last night.”

“Thanks.”

They don’t exchange a word while they eat. Tommy’s grateful for the excuse provided by the food; changing and being forced to reverse in such a short period of time took its toll on his body, and he needs the extra energy. Plus, if it delays what promises to be an uneasy conversation, he doesn’t mind.

It takes Tommy reaching for his cup of coffee, putting the claw marks around his wrist in plain view, for Adam to say, “I was serious earlier. I could heal the marks if you want.”

Tommy brings his cup toward him, letting the heat of it seep into his palm, then asks, “Why would you do that?”

“I told you.” Adam shrugs. “I wouldn’t have pushed this hard if you’d told me.”

Tommy’s grip on the cup tightens as he answers, “Like that changes anything about this mess we’re in.”

“It does for me.” Adam pushes away from the table.

Tommy follows Adam onto the balcony and finds him grasping the railing like his life depends onto it. For once it’s Adam who seems out of his comfort zone, and Tommy allows himself some pride over that before he says, “I don’t know what the hell you mean.”

Adam doesn’t even look at him. “I wouldn’t have accepted your vow if I’d known. Fuck, I wouldn’t have insisted on claiming you for my clan, either.”

Tommy rests his back against the wall before his legs buckles under him. He shouldn’t have said anything. It just lost him his only chance.

“I’m not worth the risk. Is that it?” Tommy’s voice is so low he’s surprised that Adam can hear him. 

Adam’s back goes rigid. He’s still not looking at Tommy when he answers, “Not what I meant.”

“Sounds a lot like it to me.” A hot bath and food put Tommy back in control of himself, to the point where his wolf is once more a distant presence in his mind. Far enough in the background that he’s not feeling as vulnerable anymore and can fight for what he wants. If only to himself, he can admit it: he wants Adam for himself.

Adam doesn’t answer. Tommy sighs, and forces himself to keep going before his courage disappears. “You’re saying you would have asked me to leave?” 

“You know that’s not true.” Adam answers, hands still gripping tight onto the railing. 

Tommy walks up to him. He needs to understand, but he can’t do that if Adam continues to act like Tommy’s not even there. He settles next to Adam, his arms on the railing, looking at the sun coming up. 

“Then what is? You lost me here.” 

Adam shrugs. “Just what I said: I wouldn’t have pushed this hard if you’d told me.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense!” Tommy doesn’t mean to shout, but the words go flying out of his mouth before he can stop them as he turns toward Adam. At least that makes Adam pay attention to him, and when Tommy looks up, Adam’s looking back at him, waiting. “Even if I’d told you, it wouldn’t have changed a thing about what happened, or the mess it put all of us in. So why do you keep saying that?”

Adam doesn’t answer. Instead he grabs Tommy’s wrist, and Tommy has to fight the instinct that wants him to pull away.

Adam’s fingers mimic the shape of his claws around Tommy’s wrist, his thumb going toward the inside and pressing right where Tommy’s blood is pulsing. 

“Tell me just one thing. If we go through with it, do you think you can avoid losing yourself to your wolf?”

Tommy has no idea how to answer that. It means, once again, that Adam sees and understands a lot more than what Tommy’s willing to show. 

“What do you want to hear?” Tommy asks. Adam’s thumb draws soft circles on his skin, making him shiver. Tommy tries to focus. It gets harder every second.

“Just the truth. If you really believe it, look at me and tell me. I’ll listen.” 

Tommy knows what Adam wants to hear, but he also has the feeling that even if he says it, Adam won’t believe it. There’s something off in the way Adam is acting, and Tommy doesn’t know why. He’s pretty sure that even if he asks, he won’t get an answer. 

“Why are you backing off?” Tommy asks again. “I’m not a kid. As long as it doesn’t happen in a moment when I’m not too vulnerable, there’s no risk.”

“Yes, there is. It happened before.”

Adam’s voice is suddenly so low that Tommy’s sure he wasn’t supposed to hear that last part. Except he did. “No. You’re wrong.”

“You’re lying.” The accusation short-circuits Tommy’s brain, making him take a step back. Adam doesn’t seem to notice. He just keeps going. “I noticed the way you react. Your wolf needs to heal before anything can happen, and you’re not letting it.”

“I do have some self-restraint.” Tommy’s still controlling his voice, but just barely. He worked so hard to get to the point where the wolf isn’t always taking over, and Adam’s denying all his efforts.

“You do realize the only reason you’re doing okay now is because I’m shielding you.” This time Adam looks at him, and Tommy lets the surprise show on his face. 

“No. I would feel it.”

All the answer he gets is a sad laugh. “Look closer, Tommy. You were so far gone it was easy. I won’t be able to get into your head whenever I want to, but I got in far enough to put up barriers.”

Tommy closes his eyes, concentrating on himself, and yes, there it is. A shiver climbs up his spine as he realizes he can’t undo it.

Tommy works at not letting anything show on his face when he opens his eyes again. That’s why he felt so peaceful this morning, why the wolf’s thoughts and vibes don’t bother him anymore. They’re not there. Or if they are, it’s almost nothing, just a low buzzing at the back of his mind.

“That’s what I meant,” Adam says. “Your wolf is so needy, it would let me do anything.”

“But I won’t.” Tommy reminds him. “And as I said, if I can control myself… yes, the claiming can happen. I don’t want you to heal the marks.”

“Maybe I do.”

Adam’s hand is still holding Tommy’s wrist, not letting him go when Tommy tries to step away. Tommy sighs. Nothing that Adam says makes sense. Tommy’s frustrated and he doesn’t even understand why. “Yet you said you don’t want to chase me away.”

“I just don’t want you to lose yourself because of a rash decision.” Adam’s answer makes Tommy want to scream. Has he even listened to a word that Tommy said?

“But that should be my decision, don’t you think?” It comes out harsher than Tommy wanted, but he doesn’t care. “You can’t choose for me.”

Silence follows Tommy’s outburst, then Adam answers, voice still so low Tommy barely hears him. “That’s what I mean. That fire is why I was attracted to you in the first place. If I can’t have all of you, I don’t want any of you. We both know it’s a risk. If I claim you for my clan, and the wolf takes over…”

Adam finally lets go of Tommy’s wrist, but Tommy doesn’t move. He understands, yet he wishes he didn’t. “If I’m stable, it won’t happen unless you force me.” Which Adam could, Tommy knows.

“Why would I want to do that?”

The question is sincere, Tommy can see it. It shows in Adam’s gaze that he’s lost, and yet Tommy needs to keep going. “Most alphas wouldn’t say no to that.” 

It’s one of the reasons why Tommy spent so many years on the run. He learned the hard way that he couldn’t trust bitten weres, that his shape and size made it impossible for them to see him as the warrior he was trained to be. 

“If I’d wanted a boy-toy, I could have had you last night, and we wouldn’t be talking like this anymore.” Adam says and looks away. “If you don’t know yet that I’m not that kind of alpha, it’s just one more reason not to do it.”

Tommy can’t argue with that. He’s seen the way Adam acts with his pack members, how he treats them like his family. Yet he still has a hard time believing it. 

“If I tell you I can handle it, it’s because I can.” 

When Adam looks back at him, it’s written all over his face that he doesn’t believe Tommy. “What I see is you either fighting the wolf, or letting it take over. It’s not healthy.”

“I’m…” Tommy stops himself right before he says fine. There is a limit to the number of lies he can tell himself and believe. “I’m not saying it’s easy, but I’ve learned to deal.”

Adam shakes his head. “I don’t believe you. You remind me of a newly bitten were who doesn’t have any balance yet. Except you’ve had a whole life of training.” 

Tommy can’t deny that, no matter how much he would like to. The wolf now feels like a foreign presence in his mind instead of a part of him. His training isn’t helping.

He tries to put his thoughts together before he responds. It’s harder than it should be. His first instinct is to get on the defensive again and attack, but the last thing he wants is a fight.

“If I could have stayed with my clan…” he stops there, trying to find the strength to keep going. He’s never talked about this to anybody. He doesn’t want to remind himself of everything he’s lost. “Things would have been different. Having a place to stay, to rest… family is everything to a born wolf.” 

Adam cringes, and Tommy realizes he’s insulting him.

“I didn’t have anyone to watch my back while the wolf rested. It’s still hurt. You’re right about that. I didn’t let it heal. I couldn’t. I was too busy learning to survive.”

He learned the hard way, back when he wasn’t aware of the differences between born and bitten weres. Growing up in a clan of born wolves protected him to a point, even if he saw it as a handicap back then. 

“Maybe I’m fighting it most of the time, but I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t rest long enough to make peace with it.”

“Which means I’m right,” Adam says when he realizes Tommy’s not going to add anything else. “Claiming you for my clan, at this point, would be suicide. For both of us.”

That’s all Adam says, but Tommy sees the way Adam’s gaze drop to Tommy’s wrist and the claw marks he engraved there. With slow, deliberate movements, Tommy grabs Adam’s hand and fits Adam’s fingers to the claw marks on Tommy’s wrist.

“No, the other way around would be suicide.” He feels the firm press of Adam’s fingers on his wrists and he makes an effort not to pull away. 

“This is not the kind of vow you should make when you’re that vulnerable…” 

Tommy interrupts Adam before he can finish. “I’m the one who know if I’m strong enough. Not you.”

Adam doesn’t argue, and Tommy’s grateful for that. They both know the main reason that Tommy took the vow was that Adam put his back against the wall. If he’d had a choice, he wouldn’t have done it. The last thing Tommy wants is to be reminded of that fact.

“Let me ask you something.” Tommy says. “What would I do, if we wait? Do I stay here?”

Adam’s grip on Tommy’s wrist eases. “It would give you time to heal, at least, until you’re strong enough to take the clan presence without losing control. In the meantime…”

“Not what I was asking.” Tommy interrupts Adam again, watching Adam’s back go rigid. “You know I’d have to continue hiding here, and I’m not a coward.”

“There are ways around that.”

Tommy looks at Adam for a second, not believing what he’s hearing. “And everything you told me? About protecting your clan? How it looked like you were being challenged? I attacked one of yours. You can’t forget that.”

Adam doesn’t answer. He just looks at Tommy, and this time Tommy meets his eyes. He knows he’s right. The reasons why Adam asked for alpha power over Tommy didn’t disappear just because he’s worried Tommy won’t be able to handle it. 

“You know I’m right,” Tommy says when Adam doesn’t say anything. 

Adam sighs. “If only you’d told me…”

“Yes, I know that!” Tommy’s losing his patience. He doesn’t understand why Adam is acting like he wants to erase everything they said and did last night, and he has a feeling that, even if he asked, Adam wouldn’t tell him.

“I know it was a mistake…” Tommy takes one step closer to Adam, willing him to understand. “I should have said something, I get it, but I didn’t. I wasn’t expecting to stay here, you know? I thought I was just passing through. Even after…”

Even after he started falling for Adam. But Tommy’s not ready to say that out loud. Not yet. 

Since he didn’t believe he would stay, he had no reason to talk about his past. He never did. The scars on his soul hurt just as much as the ones hidden by the tattoos on his back.

“I know I didn’t leave either of us with a choice but… it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.” Tommy’s trying to explain, but he has a feeling none of what he’s saying is getting to Adam. 

Or maybe it is, Tommy thinks as Adam says, “You’ve left us in a no-win situation. We both did.” Adam takes a step forward as he speaks, forcing Tommy to look up at him. “You’re right. I can’t allow you to stay if I don’t become your alpha, and yet…”

Tommy takes a breath, gathering enough courage to ask, “What? You don’t want it anymore?”

“I told you. I’ve seen what can happen when someone lose themselves to the wolf. It’s not pretty. I don’t want it to happen to you.” Something flashes in Adam’s eyes, fast enough that Tommy could nearly believe he imagined it. But it’s in his voice as well, in the way Adam’s being so careful not to say too much. 

Maybe that’s why Tommy asks, “What happened?” 

He knows he’s right as soon as the words are out of his mouth. Adam’s whole body stiffens, and his face just closes off. “It’s not my story to tell.”

“Do you trust me? If I tell you I can handle it, it’s because I know I can,” Tommy says. This time there’s no hesitation. Even if it scares him, he needs to know. If only to prove to himself that he can still make choices like this one. And, he can admit it, he’s getting curious. He knows there is something between Adam and himself, something that goes farther than Adam wanting to protect him. 

“Don’t ask me to explain, but… what I’m talking about, it hurts me, and her. I’m not going through that another time.”

If the _her_ in that sentence surprises Tommy, he tries not to let it show. “I’m not going to say I understand, because I can’t. But I know myself well enough to know whether I can handle this. It won’t happen.”

No answer. Tommy sighs. “You know I’m right. If we don’t do this, I can’t stay. Unless you’ve changed your mind…”

“I haven’t,” Adam interrupts him. “I’m just worried you’ll lose yourself.”

“There is no way to make sure it won’t happen. We both know that.” Tommy looks away, the weight of Adam’s gaze becoming too much for him.

Adam’s hand is still locked around his wrist, Adam himself standing way too near for comfort. The sun is slowly coming up in the sky. Tommy concentrates on that, trying to forget that he wants nothing more but to take a step back and hide. 

“Which is why I think we should wait. I want all of you, not just the shell of a boy that I met.”

That gets a smile out of Tommy. He always finds it silly, the way Adam seems to forget that Tommy’s the older of them. And he likes that as well, just a little.

It’s enough to get Tommy to look up at Adam again. “Can we do that? Without me having to hide here?” 

“You don’t have to.” From the conviction in Adam’s voice, Tommy knows he’s being honest. But he’s also aware it can’t be that easy.

“And what happens if I don’t? I’m a warrior. I can take care of myself. But that’s not how people see me.” Tommy waits, but Adam can’t argue with that. They’re both aware that’s what Adam thought as well when he met first Tommy: that he was either a stray or someone’s boy-toy. Nothing more.

“If you can play the part…” Adam doesn’t finish his sentence. He doesn’t need to. It would solve a lot of problems, give them more time. Just play pretend in front of others. It would let Tommy stay without Adam claiming him for his clan and still keep Adam’s family safe. 

It sounds so simple.

Yet Tommy can’t get himself to agree to that. It sounds like another excuse, nothing more. He’s tired of hiding. 

He brings his hand up to press Adam’s hand more firmly against his wrist. “I don’t want you to heal it. I’ll respect my vow.”

Once again he sees something on Adam’s face, a worry Tommy can’t understand and Adam won’t explain. 

“If you’re sure. I still wish you’d let me help…” Adam sighs. Tommy gets that he means going farther than the protection he put in Tommy’s mind last night.

“Can I think about that?” After Simon, Tommy’s not ready to yield to somebody else. The fact that he doesn’t trust himself around Adam isn’t helping.

“Take your time.” Slowly, Adam’s pulls Tommy forward, and Tommy lets himself fall into Adam’s embrace. For once, the fear in his mind leaves him in peace. 

***

The weird atmosphere in the house doesn’t go away, and neither does the distance Tommy can sense between himself and Adam. After a few days, he’s already tired of hiding at the house, but he’s not sure he’s ready to play the role required for him to go out. 

Tommy knows talking to Adam won’t help. He already tried it, and Adam still didn’t hear a word of what Tommy was saying. 

Which is how he finds himself in the backyard after Cam told him Allison was in the pool. Maybe he can make things better. Maybe. 

He’s expecting to find Allison doing laps, since it seems to be the only reason she ever uses the pool. However, she’s sitting on the pool stairs, hugging her arms around herself, eyes wet with tears. 

As he gets nearer, Tommy drops his sunglasses on the tiles around the pool and takes his time retrieving them. By the time he looks up again, Allison’s eyes are dry and there’s a tight smile on her lips.

Tommy stops a few feet away from the stairs. Allison smiles up at him. “You can join me. I was raised well. I don’t bite!”

That gets a smile out of Tommy, but he still hesitates before taking off his shirt. “As long as you don’t get freaked out by the scars…”

Allison shrugs. “I’ve seen them before, remember? And it’s not like mine are any prettier.”

Tommy just stares at her for a few seconds, trying to understand what she’s talking about. Allison’s smile disappears. “My leg. You coming in or not?”

Tommy slips his shirt over his head, hears the sharp intake of breath as the scars on his chest come in plain view. No matter what she says, Allison’s still a kid.

Allison’s looking down into the water when Tommy gets in. He sits on the stairs, as far from her as he can, but she still inches away when he does. Her face contorts in pain when she tries to push herself up, forcing her to stay there.

“You okay?” he asks.

“Yes, I’m fine.” Allison snaps. She looks anything but fine. “I’m having a bad day. It happens sometimes.”

“Don’t bite my head off. I was just asking.” They’re off to a really bad start. Tommy sighs. He should just leave her alone. She’s not in the mood to listen.

Just as he’s about to get out of the water, Allison says, barely over a whisper, “I’m sorry. Did Cam send you to look after me?” The bite is back in the last few words. 

“No,” Tommy replies, surprised. “I just wanted to talk to you.” 

When he looks back at her, she’s staring right over his shoulder. “About what?”

“I’ve seen the way you act around me. If I’m to stay, last thing I want is for you to be scared of me.”

“I’m not scared of you.” For a moment Tommy wonders what Allison is hiding so desperately. He got hints that night in the library, but the truth is probably even worse. 

“You’re just as bad a liar as I am.” 

This time she looks at him, and if her tone isn’t any gentler, the curve of her lips isn’t as tight as it was. That’s progress.

“Why is it that you always end up losing control around me?”

Tommy bites his lips, trying to find a way to explain without having to say it all. There is stuff Allison doesn’t need to know. 

“Nothing to do with you. You just happened to be there both times.” He doesn’t add that his wolf went for the weakest link, when he attacked her. He’s pretty sure she can guess that part, and if she can’t, he won’t be the one to tell her that. “Why did you think Cam sent me?”

Allison looks away. “As I said, I’m having a bad day. I thought the water would help, but my leg still hurts like hell.”

That explain why she looked so miserable when Tommy joined her. He’s surprised she told him, but he’s not about to ask why. 

Not saying anything else, Allison grabs onto the railing of the stairs to push herself up.

“Do you want any help?” Tommy asks. 

“I’m fine.” It’s said through gritted teeth, one more sign that Allison is nowhere near fine. She closes her eyes. Tommy doesn’t dare ask again. Maybe that’s why after a few seconds, she looks at him again, and says, “Can you hand me my cane, please?”

Allison’s cane lies with her clothes on the pool tiles. Tommy grabs it and hands it to her. She puts all of her weight on the railing to get herself out of the water. Tommy notices for the first time the scars she was talking about earlier, going up her thigh and all around her hip.

Tommy doesn’t realize he’s staring until Allison takes her cane from his hand and moves away from the pool, letting him see the rest of the scars and how far up her back they go. When he finally manages to bring his gaze back to her face, she’s looking straight at him. “Ugly, isn’t it?”

“Is that why you have so many problems with your leg?” Tommy didn’t mean to ask, but the question comes out before he can stop it. 

“Yeah. The nerves are all messed up.”

As she says that, Allison closes her eyes against the pain.

“You want lemonade?” Tommy asks. “I know Sasha put some in the pool house.” What he doesn’t say is that the pool house is right beside the pool, just a few steps away, and getting there wouldn’t take anywhere near the effort it would take Allison to get back to the main house. 

She seems to hear the unspoken words crystal clear. “Yes, that would be nice.” She slowly makes her way to the pool house, Tommy matching her speed. He doesn’t dare suggest helping her, even if he wants to. He’d only insult her again. 

When they reach the pool house, Tommy goes straight for the lemonade in the fridge, letting Allison get comfortable and pull herself back together. He knows that feeling well, and realize he was right when he turns around and Allison’s smile is back. She’s sitting in a chair, her leg propped up on a second one. Tommy hands her a glass before he sits with her. 

He doesn’t mean too, but his gaze falls back to where Allison is resting her leg, even if he barely can see it because of the table. 

“How long ago did this happen?” he asks.

Allison shrugs. “Why do you want to know?”

“From what I heard, your injury’s old. It should have healed by now.”

Allison’s face closes off, and Tommy realizes he shouldn’t have asked. Obviously it’s not something she wants to talk about. The way she never wears skirts or anything that doesn’t go down at least to her knee is a good indication she’s as self-conscious about her leg as Tommy is about the scars on his back and chest. 

Just as he’s about to tell her to forget about it, she answers. “I could ask you the exact same thing.”

From the way she looks at him, he’s pretty sure he’s reading her right, but he still hopes he’s wrong. He doesn’t dare say anything. 

“The Black and Red has a way to make sure that even if you survive, you’re going to depend on someone else your whole life. But I don’t think I’m telling you anything you didn’t already know.” She doesn’t say anything more. She doesn’t need to. That explains a lot. Her injuries should have already healed. Even as a wolf, Allison limps a bit. If she doesn’t have anyone to watch her back, she’s screwed.

“You were lucky to have Adam and the others.” What Tommy doesn’t say is that, more than anything, she’s lucky to still have her family, people who gave her a space to heal and will keep her safe. 

She blinks, looking at him curiously. “No. I was lucky Adam took me in.”

That leaves Tommy speechless, his mouth open on words that won’t come out. 

Allison looks over at the pool, sadness taking over her voice. “They killed both my parents that night. It was pure luck that I survived at all.”

Tommy finally finds his voice. “But how could…” He doesn’t dare finish his thought. 

Allison looks back at him. “Go ahead. You can ask.”

Tommy doesn’t, not just yet. He tries to figure it out first, remembering something Adam said about Allison being a born wolf. At the time he barely paid attention, but now it seems more and more important. 

“How could you trust him? He’s a bitten were.” Tommy surprises himself when he says that. It means he trusts them a lot more than he thought he did, if he can voice that kind of thought freely. 

“Wait, he didn’t tell you?” she asks.

“He didn’t tell me what?”

Just by the look on Allison’s face, Tommy knows she’s about to backtrack and switch the conversation to something else. “I think…”

“Don’t you dare,” he interrupts her. “You started it, so you’re finishing it.”

She looks away, and when she speaks Tommy knows this isn’t what she meant to say at first. “I didn’t really have a choice. They got my family, and I barely made it out of there alive. I collapsed in the alley behind the bar. Cam was closing it, and she got me inside. They saved my life. Of course, I trust them.”

“Bitten weres don’t do that.” What Tommy means is that clans of born weres will, sometimes, take in an orphan and look after them, because no kid should grow up without a family. But that’s another tradition of the born were clans. Bitten weres can’t, and won’t, take that kind of risk. Too dangerous.

Once again Allison hesitates. Then she says, “What if I tell you that Neil’s his brother? Not,” she puts up a hand to stop Tommy before he can interrupt her, “just his chosen blood brother, but actual, born from the same parents, brother.” 

It takes Tommy a few seconds to understand what she’s saying. That doesn’t make sense: first thing any bitten were does after the bite is to break all ties with their families and loved ones. Doing otherwise would put every human in their lives at risk.

He gets it, but he still can’t believe it. “A born were wouldn’t be the alpha of a clan full of bitten weres.” He knows he’s right. Two born were brothers would still be living with their family. They wouldn’t be on their own, especially if one of them was the future alpha. 

Allison looks at him for a moment, biting her lips. “Don’t tell Adam I told you, but at this point I think you need to know.”

“I need to know what?” Tommy asks, looking at her as she hesitates again.

“You got it right. Neil and Adam are both born weres, the alpha’s sons. Adam was supposed to be the next alpha. Except he was born without the ability to change.” 

She stops talking, and Tommy gapes at her. He heard her right but, “That’s impossible.”

“Impossible,” Allison repeats. “Just like a were born from two bitten were parents.”

Or like a bond between two male weres. But Tommy doesn’t dare say that out loud. Adam’s the first person he’s told that. 

“Why are you telling me this?” he asks.

“So you’ll understand.” Allison is looking at him, her tone still careful. For a second Tommy wonders if anyone, maybe Adam, put her up to it. “That’s part of why our clan is so different. They grew up with born were traditions. They couldn’t just forget those because they had to survive among bitten weres.”

“A lot would have.”

“Did you?” Allison asks. 

No, he didn’t. He couldn’t, which is part of why he’s had such a hard time fitting in among bitten weres, why he was always on the run, always by himself.

Now maybe he’s found a place for himself, but he still doesn’t know for sure. There’s one last thing he needs to know. “Did Adam put you up to this? Did he ask you to talk to me?”

With anybody else, Tommy wouldn’t have dared asking. Their loyalty goes to Adam first and foremost, and he’d have no way to know if they were telling the truth or not.

But this is Allison, and there is no way she could be prepared for that question. Which is why when she looks at him, eyes opened wide with surprise, and says, “No. Why? Should he have?” Tommy believes her.

“It sounds a bit like a trap,” he answers, not even sure why he’s telling her the truth. 

Allison frowns, obviously lost. “What are you talking about?”

Tommy waits before he answers, thinking his words over. He doesn’t want to explain what he’s feeling, not to someone who might run to Adam as soon as he turns around.

Yet he does. Maybe because he knows Allison wouldn’t fake interest the way the others could. “We decided he was supposed to claim me for his clan on the full moon, but he’s already backtracking and I have no idea why.” 

That gets a little smile out of Allison, but she asks, “What does that have to do with what I just told you?”

Tommy hesitates again. There is a lot he doesn’t feel comfortable explaining, because it’s all related to those desires he’s not ready to admit yet. “He said he’s worried I would lose myself to the wolf.”

Allison’s face closes off after that. “It can happen. If your body or your mind is too damaged, the wolf takes over.”

Tommy just looks at her while the puzzle pieces settle themselves into his head. His eyes go wide. “It was you, wasn’t it? He told me he’d seen that happen once.”

Allison nods. “I don’t remember much. I was out of it most of the time. I don’t even know what he did to bring me back. He never told me.” 

“It happened when he claimed you?” Tommy already knows the answer, but he has to ask.

Allison looks back at the house as she replies. “No. It happened when my wolf yielded to him. Somehow I think it was harder on him than on me. I just… wasn’t there anymore. There were only instincts left, like a wolf in a human body.”

She doesn’t add anything else, and Tommy doesn’t ask. He already has a lot to think about. He doesn’t understand it all and will need to go to Adam for answers. While there is a possibility that this whole conversation was a set-up to make him change his mind, he doesn’t think it is. At least, he hopes it’s not a trap. 

***

Somehow the discussion with Allison leaves Tommy with a lot more questions than answers, and he quickly realizes that there is only one person who can give him actual answers. Adam. 

There are too many things Tommy doesn’t know yet for him to make any kind of decision, but the feeling that this could be a trap intensifies the more he thinks about it. While he has a hard time believing that Allison could lie to him with a straight face, he’s also aware that it’s the kind of thing she probably wouldn’t question. Adam’s clan saved her life, after all. 

It does fit, he has to admit it. Adam being born in a clan would explain a lot about the way he acts. He remembers that first evening when Terrance brought him back to the house. He was completely lost when faced with an Adam who was so different from the image Tommy got from him, the few times he was at the bar. 

Adam growing up with the born weres code of honor would explain a lot, but it also makes too much sense. It’s almost too perfect, as far as explanations go, and makes it feel even more like a trap. 

It’s not like Tommy can ask any of the clan. If he does, he’s pretty sure he’ll get rehearsed answers, or none at all. They have no reason to trust him. It doesn’t matter how much he wants to stay with them: as long as he isn’t claimed, he’s still an outsider. 

The full moon is getting nearer, and Tommy can already feel its call, the itch under his skin. He never changes outside of the full moon anymore unless he loses control. So by the time the next full moon comes around, he desperately needs it. His wolf aches for it.

The house is empty, and Tommy is so deep in thought that he doesn’t notice he’s not alone until Neil’s voice startles him, just as he’s about to leave the house.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

Tommy shrugs, not wanting to explain that he was thinking and forgot he wasn’t supposed to leave the house. Instead, he finds himself going to join Neil in the living room, and saying, “I needed to talk to Adam.” Not a lie, not completely, at least. 

“It can wait until he’s back. We already have enough trouble because of you.”

Tommy wants to argue, but he doesn’t dare. It can wait, yes. He just doesn’t know if Adam will listen to him. He hasn’t yet, no matter how hard Tommy tries to explain.

“Can I ask you something?” 

Neil looks so relieved that Tommy isn’t pushing the issue that he doesn’t even seem to think before he says, “I can’t promise I’ll answer, but go ahead.” 

“Who gave him the bite?”

For a minute, Tommy thinks that Neil is going to deny the truth, or act like he doesn’t know what Tommy is talking about. It would be easier for them both.

Instead, Neil looks at Tommy, his hands playing with the pen he’s holding. “Who talked to you?”

Tommy walks toward Neil, never shying from his gaze. He needs to understand. “Don’t you know?”

“Why should I?” Neil’s tone is getting more careful, but Tommy doesn’t back down. He can’t. Not anymore. 

“You want me to believe it wasn’t one of you who put her up to it?”

Neil sighs. “It was Allison, then. What did she tell you?”

Except Neil must already know, and that makes Tommy want to argue even more, although that won’t get him any answers. 

Instead, Tommy says, “She said you and Adam were born from the same parents.” 

It’s much more complicated, but Tommy’s pretty sure Neil can guess the rest, if he doesn’t know already. Neil’s only answer is a silence that weighs more and more as seconds pass. And when he finally speaks, it’s another question.

“You think one of us put her up to it?”

Tommy shrugs. “It would explain a lot.”

“It’s not the kind of information we’d want to give to anyone. You should be aware of that. It doesn’t make sense.”

“With the situation we’re in, yes, it does.” If it’s a trap. And it doesn’t matter how much Tommy wants to believe it isn’t. It sounds too good to be true. 

“You really think Allison would lie like that…” Neil doesn’t have a chance to finish before Tommy interrupts him.

“If she doesn’t know she’s lying, yes.”

The look Neil gives him after that is amused more than anything else. “Fuck, Tommy, do you even listen to yourself? Terrance held alpha power over you without Adam being aware of it. And you seriously believe that he controls any of us?”

Tommy sighs. Of course, said like that, it doesn’t make any sense. He doesn’t want to question himself, though. It would mean admitting that he might just be looking for excuses to run away. 

What it means is something he already knew. It’s Adam he needs to talk to. Nobody else. 

Just as Tommy is about to leave the room, Neil’s voice stops him. “It was our mother.”

Startled, Tommy turns around. “What?”

Neil sighs, then he says again, “Our mom gave him the bite. And if you want to know anything else, ask him.”

Tommy doesn’t, though. Adam is still avoiding him, which leads Tommy to decide that two can play this game. He’s not exactly proud of it, but it doesn’t stop him. 

In the end it’s Adam who seeks him out, three days later, when Tommy is holed up in his room, guitar in his lap. He’s not playing, not really, just strumming. Music is hiding from him these days. 

Adam stops at the door of Tommy’s room, like he doesn’t dare enter. “Neil said we should talk. Do you know why?”

Adam’s giving him an easy way out. Tommy doesn’t take it. 

He nods slowly, and his hands stops moving on his guitar, fingers immobilized on the chords. He lets the silence grow and envelop them while he searches for the right words. Asking Adam the same way Tommy did with Neil would be pushing for a fight, and that’s the last thing Tommy wants. He’s tired of fighting, tired of hiding and running away. He doesn’t want another excuse to be on his own again. He doesn’t want to feel like Adam is pushing him away. 

So he looks up at Adam and says, “You weren’t born human, were you?”

Adam’s eyebrows go up in surprise, but he doesn’t answer. Instead he enters the room, closes the door behind him, and pulls a chair toward the bed where Tommy’s sitting. It’s only when he’s looking at Tommy, his hands twitching as if they itch to grab Tommy’s that he says, “No. I was the alpha’s eldest son, in a clan of born weres.” 

That’s all, but Tommy can hear everything that was left unsaid. Adam was the alpha’s heir. Just like Simon. It makes sense now that Tommy’s wolf would trust Adam that easily. It recognized the ways of born weres. 

“Why did you leave?” Tommy’s not expecting an answer, not really, even if everything in Adam is still open, right there for him to see and feel. That’s the kind of information you shouldn’t trust an outsider with. And yet…

“I didn’t have a choice. I was the alpha’s son, and yet I was born without the ability to change.” 

Tommy shakes his head. It’s not so much that he doesn’t believe what Adam is saying, but it doesn’t fit with what he knows of clans. “Clans of born weres always look after their own kind, no matter what.”

A smile graces Adam’s lips, but it’s a sad one. “Yes, they do. Except when they’re threatened by the Black and Red. If that happens, all bets are off.”

Tommy puts his guitar down at his side, still looking at Adam. Then he moves toward Adam and slips his legs over the side of the bed until their knees are nearly touching. “Normally the Black and Red leave the clans of born weres in peace.”

All of Tommy’s attention is on Adam, on his most minute reactions, wondering if Adam will recognize his own words coming out of Tommy’s mouth.

Adam shrugs. “We both know that’s not always the case, don’t we?”

Tommy nods, but he doesn’t say anything else. He wants, needs, an explanation even though he’s aware that Adam doesn’t owe him one. 

“My parents protected me and the clan as long as they could. But it came to a point where they had to choose between sacrificing their clan or their own son.”

“The Black and Red doesn’t attack cubs. It isn’t their purpose.”

Adam just looks at him. They both know Tommy doesn’t believe a word of what he just said, that he only said it in order to get answers. 

“Allison was still a cub. That didn’t stop any of them.” Adam’s voice lowers, and his back goes rigid. Tommy knows the barely hidden anger isn’t directed at him, but he has to fight not to try and get out of the way. 

“Why would they go after an alpha’s son? It doesn’t make sense.”

Adam looks at him, incredulous. What he says afterward comes out as half-words, half-growl. “Tommy, if you wanna know something, fucking ask. Stop playing with me.”

Tommy lets the strength of Adam’s word hit him full force before he answers the same way.

“How the fuck does an alpha’s heir become head of a clan full of bitten weres? And take in a cub who’s half broken already?” 

The anger seeps out of Adam as he looks at Tommy like he’s seeing him for the first time. “Who talked to you?”

Tommy doesn’t even hesitate before saying, “Allison. She seemed to think it would help.”

“But it didn’t.” Not a question, it’s easy to see in the way Adam says it, but Tommy nods anyway. 

“It sounded like a really well thought trap. Especially after what I told you.”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

Tommy fights the instinct that tells him to let Adam believe what he wants, and it takes him a few seconds to get to the point where he can say, “I don’t know that. I don’t know you. Every time I think I have you figured out, I learn something that tips my whole world sideways. I never know where I stand with you.”

It’s hard not to try and take those words back as soon as he’s said them. It’s the naked truth, one he doesn’t even know why he said out loud. It hurts. 

“I thought I’d made myself clear…” Adam starts, but Tommy interrupts him. 

“Yes, and then you started backtracking and pushing me away, right when I decided to give this, us, a try. So when Allison told me about you and Neil being born from the same parents…” Tommy lets the words hang in the air between them. He knows Adam can understand that. Or at least, he hopes so. 

“You’re still looking for excuses to run away?” This time Adam doesn’t resist and grabs one of Tommy’s hands, the look on his face telling Tommy all he needs to know.

It’s a real question, the first time since Adam told Tommy what he had to do in order to stay that he’s let Tommy see that he doesn’t want him to go, that the idea of Tommy leaving is just as scary for him. 

Tommy shakes his head. “It’s just… the last time my wolf opened up that quickly for anyone, it was Simon, and I’d known him my whole life. It’s scary for me, how easily my wolf latched onto you, how much it wants to let you take over.”

Looking even more serious, Adam bites his lip. “Is that why you didn’t let me help you? When I tried to stop you from changing?”

Without meaning to, Adam is now tracing circles on Tommy’s wrist with his thumb, sending shivers through Tommy and making it even harder for him to find words. 

Tommy wants to tell Adam he’s wrong, but that would be a lie. He felt it that last evening he changed, felt Adam trying to help, to bring him back, and Tommy consciously pushed Adam out of his mind. He couldn’t let it happen, couldn’t give anyone entrance to his mind, not after what happened with Simon. 

“Yes. It scared me,” Tommy answers. As soon as he says that, he regrets it when he sees Adam’s face fall. Adam lets go of Tommy’s hand.

“If you’re still scared of me, it means I was right. We need to wait longer than the next full moon.”

Tommy looks down at his hands in his lap. Adam doesn’t get it at all, but Tommy doesn’t know if he’ll dare tell Adam the truth.

Adam makes a move to stand. Tommy stops him with a hand on Adam’s knee. “I’m not scared of you, but of how I react to you.”

Adam isn’t moving anymore. It seems like he barely dares to breathe. 

Tommy looks at Adam through his bangs, his voice going lower as he says, “I wanted to let it happen. To let you help me. But trusting someone like that… I’m not sure I can do that anymore. If that was all there was to it, maybe.”

That’s part of why Tommy could trust Terrance so easily. There never could be anything beyond Terrance providing him with a safe space. It wouldn’t be like that with Adam. In fact, Tommy has to admit, he wouldn’t want it to be the same way with Adam. 

Adam still doesn’t say a word. He’s waiting. Tommy takes a deep breath and keeps going. “But it’s not. My wolf already trusts you.” The next words catch in his throat, and he has to force himself to say them. “I don’t yet, but I want you anyway. And it scares me.”

It takes a few seconds for Adam to understand what Tommy means, and Tommy can see the exact moment when he figures it out, surprise and sudden desire written all over Adam’s face. 

“I wouldn’t push for anything you’re not willing to give. I hope you know that.”

Tommy doesn’t say anything. He knows that. He doesn’t doubt it, no matter how little time he’s known Adam. It won’t be enough to stop the fear, though. Simon would have said the same thing. 

“I do. I just don’t know if I can trust you yet.”

Part of it is what Allison told Tommy. He gets what Adam’s been saying, and yet it still sounds like a carefully crafted trap. 

Adam just looks at Tommy and pushes himself back in his chair. “You know how the first change happens in the minutes following birth?” 

Tommy nods.

“It never did for me. My parents acted like it did, basically blackmailed everyone who was there so the truth wouldn’t get out. No spontaneous changes when I was a kid either, but somehow the whole clan was convinced that I just had good control already.”

Adam stops to take a breath but Tommy doesn’t dare say anything. He’s not sure why Adam is telling him this, and he won’t ask. Not yet. 

“We were lucky that there wasn’t more trouble when I was a teen, but no one wanted to attract the attention of the Black and Red.”

As Adam speaks, Tommy lets himself be lulled by Adam’s voice and falls into the same comfort zone Adam took him to the last time he lost control.

“They thought I was just… late. First complete change happens when it happens, you know? There’s a lot that can be forgiven when you’re talking about an alpha’s heir.”

Tommy nods again, a small smile gracing his lips. He saw it happen with Simon all the time when they were kids, how Simon could get himself out of any situation, while Tommy and the other kids were punished instead.

Adam’s smile reflects Tommy’s. “So they waited, and waited. The trouble started when Neil reached eighteen, and changed for the first time. I was twenty-one by then, but until Neil could change everyone was willing to believe I was a late bloomer. Thing is, once it was clear that my little brother could change and I still hadn’t… it looked unnatural.”

Tommy feels the electricity in the air. He knows what comes next. Abomination. The word everyone whispers until it comes to the ears of the Black and Red. Until all hell breaks loose and you have to run.

Tommy doesn’t even think as he moves the hand still on Adam’s knee to grab Adam’s hand. If that takes Adam by surprise, he doesn’t show it. He just closes his fingers around Tommy’s hand, not letting go. 

Silence surrounds them, but for once it’s the comfortable kind, a little bubble where nothing can hurt them, where they’re safe.

“What happened?” Tommy isn’t expecting an answer, not really, but he has to ask. 

Adam’s gaze moves to the window, like he’s not willing to look Tommy in the eyes anymore. “They sent me away. The clan had to come first.”

Slowly, Tommy shifts even closer to Adam, brings his fingers up to Adam’s face and makes him look at Tommy again. Nothing’s showing on Adam’s face, but Tommy can feel the emotions coming off him in waves, all confidence lost, just the hurt of losing your family, your clan, everyone that matters to you. 

Right then Tommy knows it’s not a trap. It can’t be. No one could fake that. What he’s feeling from Adam is the kind of pain that goes through every wall you have up to protect yourself. The kind you can’t stop, even if you want to.

This kind of pain Tommy knows, but for once, it doesn’t make him want to run away. Tommy pulls Adam out of his chair and onto the bed, not worried anymore. He lies down on the bed and closes his arms around Adam, and he doesn’t feel the smallest threat. There isn’t any. 

Tommy’s been aware of that for a few weeks now, but he’s just starting to believe it. They share the same heat, the same breath. It’s a safe space and nothing more. And just like that, Tommy is sure. Adam doesn’t control any of them. Tommy could go if he wanted.

No one would stop him, and everything he’s seen since he stepped foot in that bar is just them caring for one another, being who they are. A family. The one Adam wanted to create after he lost his. 

Tommy lets Adam push him away, just enough that they can look at each other, but he keeps his arms around Adam. 

Adam’s voice is barely over a whisper, so low that Tommy has to strain to hear him. “It was my mother who gave me the bite. Just to give me a way to protect myself. Not sure it worked.”

Tommy wants to tell Adam that he can stop there, that he doesn’t have to say it all now, but he doesn’t. Maybe they both need this. 

“It was Neil who taught me how to handle everything. Suddenly he was the big brother, when I’d spent my whole life protecting him. I wouldn’t be safe by myself, so he followed me, and he took care of me.” As he says that, a little smile graces Adam’s lips, like he still can’t believe everything Neil did. “He refused to go back home when I tried to send him. He always stayed.”

Adam’s grip on Tommy tightens, but Tommy still doesn’t feel any of the usual panic. “I had to lose my family so the Black and Red would leave them in peace. That’s why I took Allison in when Cam found her, when I understood what happened. How could I not?”

Anger slips into the intensity of Adam’s voice, but Tommy’s knows it’s not directed at him. It’s the same kind of hopeless feeling Tommy himself experienced all those years ago, when he realized that everything he learned about the Black and Red when he was a kid was only lies.

He remembers growing up and being told that they were there to protect them, to make sure that the bitten weres never became a threat to humans. That the Black and Red existed so that the born were clans would be able to stay in peace. The hopelessness that comes from figuring out the truth hurts just as much as everything else, because it brings the idea that friends are actually enemies. 

Tommy knows he’s still missing some of the pieces but it doesn’t seem that important anymore. Maybe, just maybe, family is also something you can create for yourself. 

***

“Please, Cam, I haven’t been able to sing live in forever! You’re the only one we have who can play guitar!”

Allison’s getting whiny, like a spoiled kid who isn’t getting what she wants. She barged into the music room, without even noticing Tommy huddled over his guitar in a corner, and is trying to convince Cam that she needs to be at the bar, and singing, tonight. Cam’s already losing what little patience she had. 

“Allie, stop. You’re not even allowed in the bar. You know it.” Cam’s hands go back to the keys, but that doesn’t stop Allison.

“It’s not fair!” Allison’s voice rises another octave. It makes her even more annoying, and Tommy has a feeling she’s doing it on purpose. “As long as Neil comes along, I’ll be fine! I know how to act. I’m not a baby!”

“That wasn’t my decision, and you know it. You’re gonna have to talk to Adam. Even if he said yes, I’m not moving from behind the bar. I can’t leave the others to handle it themselves. We have more than enough trouble already. Which means you don’t have a guitarist anyway.”

As Allison stomps out, Tommy hears her mumble “not fair” under her breath. He can’t hold back a little smile as he follows Cam’s lead and strums along to her playing. “What was that all about?”

Cam sighs, her fingers barely brushing the keys. “We have too many strangers and outsiders at the bar these days, so Adam’s forbidden her to go unless Neil’s there. But as you know, he spends all his evenings here.”

Tommy lowers his head, bangs brushing his forehead. “He doesn’t have to play babysitter for me. I’m not planning on bringing you guys any more trouble.”

Cam laughs a little, making Tommy look up at her again. Her eyes are shining with glee. “You think he would listen to me?”

He can’t help but smile in return. “Probably not.” 

Cam presses more firmly on the keys and Tommy follows along, letting the music surround them both. He’s getting back to the point where he can actually play and enjoy it. That hasn’t happened in years. 

“It’s just Allie being Allie. She’s a spoiled brat sometime. Don’t mind her.” As she says that, Cam stops playing and puts her hands in her lap while Tommy keeps going. 

“You’re good.” Surprise shows up in Cam’s voice, but Tommy just shrugs. 

“I’m okay, I guess. Mostly self-taught.” 

“Well,” Cam lowers her gaze to the keys again, “at least good enough to back up a singer, right?” 

Tommy can’t hold in his smile at the thought. Music is evading him, hiding from him. It would be good to be able to get a little of it back. 

“If I know the songs, yes,” Tommy says, slow and careful.

Cam smiles. “You’d have to ask Allie what she wants to sing. Maybe you already know some of them. And I can show you the rest.”

Tommy bites his lip. It sounds so fucking tempting. “Even if I know the songs, Adam won’t agree.” 

“Just have a look at Allison’s music, will you?” Cam smiles, her fingers dancing over the keys. “If you can play it, I’ll talk to Adam. It would do her good to get out of here a little.”

“You’re the one who said that you were having trouble at the bar. I don’t want to…”

Cam interrupts him, annoyed, “I’m thinking of Allie. I won’t lie to you, it’s not easy, but there’s a way to deal with that. There’s always one.”

Cam having said her piece, they go back to playing. The next day, Tommy and a really excited Allison look at her music to realize that yes, Tommy knows a couple of her songs, and the one he doesn’t, he can easily learn. 

Her enthusiasm has everyone laughing, and Terrance whispering to Tommy, “you’re aware she’ll never leave you in peace now, right?”

He doesn’t mind, though. Seeing Allison happy enough that she’s not bothered by the way her leg and its damaged nerves hinder her movements is refreshing. The atmosphere in the house turns light again. 

They decide to play next Friday, on the condition that Adam agrees. Tommy wonders why Adam hasn’t said anything yet, but he doesn’t ask. Adam isn’t avoiding him anymore, but he’s not trying to spend time with him, either. It’s weird. 

In the end, it’s Tommy who corners Adam on Thursday night. When Adam comes back, Tommy’s waiting for him in Adam’s own room. Tommy’s overstepping boundaries, he’s aware of it, but he’s also pretty sure that it’s the only way for them to talk, and they need to if he’s going to be allowed in the club. 

“What are you doing here?”

Tommy looks up from where he was sitting on the bed, hands twitching in his lap. “I was waiting for you.”

Slowly, Adam walks up to him. “I see that. Why?” 

“Did Cam talk to you?” 

“Yes, she did.” Nothing else as Adam disappears into the bathroom. 

Tommy sighs but he stays right where he is, waiting while Adam cleans the make-up and sweat off his face. It’s only when Adam comes back that Tommy dares to ask, “What’s your decision, then?”

“Cam’s right. It would be good for Allison to spend an evening out.”

“But?”

Adam walks to the window, his back to Tommy. “But you’re not claimed yet. Even if we decide to do this, it can’t happen before the next full moon. You know what it will look like if I allow you in the bar. Unless…”

Silence grows as Tommy stands and walks up to Adam. He won’t like what he’s about to hear, but he doesn’t care. “Unless what?”

Adam doesn’t look at Tommy as he puts a hand against the window. “Unless you’re willing to pretend that the only reason why anyone would believe I kept you is the truth.”

Tommy swallows hard as Adam turns toward him. He was aware it might come to this, but he was hoping it wouldn’t. Because of his slight frame, the way he carries himself, not a single bitten were ever sees him as the warrior he was trained to be. They all mistake him for someone’s boy-toy, someone to be fucked and broken. 

For years he used that misunderstanding to protect himself. The element of surprise it gave him was often the only thing that let him get out of some situations unscathed. 

Now, though, the idea of playing up to that…

“What would that mean?” Tommy has a good idea already, but he needs to ask. He needs to hear it from Adam himself.

He watches the surprise, clear as day on Adam’s face, but forces himself not to look away. “Remember what you thought of Allison and my brother, the first time you set foot in our bar?”

Tommy nods. “I thought they were lovers.”

“You’re either being polite or you’re a very good liar.” There’s a hint of a smile on Adam’s face, softening the accusation. 

“Not lying. The idea that she could be his toy didn’t occur to me at first.”

Tommy can see that Adam doesn’t really believe him, but he’s not lying. “I said, at first. Then I noticed her leg and thought that it was how she’d found protection. Amongst bitten were, anyone knows that she would need it.” 

He remembers the first time he saw them outside the bar, how suddenly Allison wasn’t the same person anymore. In the safety of their house, Allison shines and makes everyone smile with her energy. Everywhere else, she clings to Neil’s shadow, constantly looking for his approbation. 

“It would need to be something like that?”

At first, only silence answers him. 

“More than that,” Adam admits. “I’m an alpha, and most weres think I was challenged by my own clan over you. We tried to do damage control, but…”

Tommy is left speechless when he realizes that it might be, at least in part, why Cam suggested that he played guitar so Allison could sing. That could solve a lot of problems. 

“What would that imply?” Tommy asks after a few seconds. 

Adam avoids looking at him, “You know what it would imply.”

“Yes. But I need to hear it from you.”

Adam grabs Tommy’s chin between his fingers, forcing him to look up. Tommy makes an effort not to shy away, but the old fear is already back, causing the hair on his arms stand up. 

“Look at me.” Adam’s voice, low and caressing, sends shivers up and down Tommy’s back, slowly chasing away the fear and replacing it with desire. Even if he wanted, Tommy couldn’t look away. “It would mean that if there’s trouble, you don’t try to defend yourself. You let me handle it. It would mean yielding to me. Trusting me. Letting me in your mind.”

Adam releases Tommy and turns away from him, looking through the window. Tommy takes a deep breath, then another, until he feels a little bit more in control of himself. Before he can say anything though, Adam adds, so quietly that Tommy can barely hear him, “So you understand why it’s not possible.”

Adam’s words have the effect of a cold shower, a door slammed closed in Tommy’s face. He’s not comfortable with the idea, not exactly, but he has a feeling that’s not the reason Adam said what he did. There is something else there. Something important.

Tommy remembers their last conversation and makes up his mind within seconds. “Can I ask you something?”

That’s enough to make Adam look at him. “What?”

“What happened to make you that scared?” As soon as he asks, Tommy regrets it, pretty sure he won’t get an answer. But he had to. 

“I told you.” Adam looks everywhere but at Tommy, and that’s how Tommy knows he’s hiding something. Again. 

“Not completely. All you’ve said is that you’re scared I’m going to lose it if you try and claim me.” 

“I won’t take the risk of it happening again.”

It’s the _again_ that sticks in Tommy’s mind, making him wonder, once more, what it is that made Adam back off as soon as he realized how fragile Tommy’s wolf could be, sometimes. All he has are glimpses of the truth, bits and pieces here and there. Nothing to help him understands.

“It happened before, right? With Allison?” 

Slowly, Adam nods. “Yes. Her wolf was so damaged, and her human side wasn’t doing any better. She hid in her own head when I tried to make her wolf yield. One moment, she was a broken girl, and the next… a wolf in a girl’s body.”

Tommy can’t say anything when he realizes that he’s finally getting some real answers. Even if he could find the words, he doesn’t have a chance to say anything. Once Adam starts talking, it’s like he can’t stop. 

“I had to reach into her mind, find her, force her to come out of hiding and… the equivalent of holding her in place until she had her wolf back under control. I could hear her screaming at me the whole time, saying that I was hurting her, and her wolf was howling in the background. She was begging me to stop.”

Tommy watches, fascinated, as Adam lets down one more wall. He can’t say that he understands everything – he doubts that he ever will – but things are slowly becoming clearer. 

“It’s the worst violence an alpha can do to someone’s mind. Amongst born weres, you take an oath to never even think of doing that. I had to break it in order to save Allison’s life. And I still don’t understand how she can trust me after what I did.” 

“Because she knows you didn’t do it to hurt her,” Tommy whispers, more for himself than for Adam. “You saved her.”

Tommy wonders why Adam is being so open, so honest. He’s past the point where he think it’s all an intricate trap and can recognize his own fear for what it is. One more excuse. He’s still scared, but by how much he wants Adam, the kind of desire Tommy hasn’t felt in years. 

He’s tired of the one step forward, three steps back game they’re both playing, and takes everything that Adam told him for what it is: a show of trust. A reminder that if he wants it, he has a place within Adam’s clan. 

Tommy circles the wrist Adam scarred with his own fingers, fitting them to the already healed scars. When Tommy took his vow, right after the last full moon, it felt like he was threatening himself so as not to run. Now it feels like a promise. All he needs to do is ask for what he wants. 

He knows the game he’ll have to play in order to get out of the house, and it doesn’t scare him anymore. It’s what his wolf has wanted since he met Adam. He just had to overcome his human side’s fear. 

Silence stretches between them a little longer before Tommy dares to say, “If I told you that I’m in control of my wolf enough that it could work, would you trust me?”

Adam looks at him, his face a mask on which Tommy can’t read anything, “You’d be willing to let me in?”

Tommy nods, letting down his own barriers until he knows Adam only has to look close to see everything. 

It’s not enough. Adam brushes the back of his hand against Tommy’s cheek, making him shiver. “You’d be willing to let everyone believe you’re my toy?”

It takes Tommy just a few seconds too long to figure out how to reply to that, and Adam takes his hand off Tommy’s face, smiling sadly. “That’s what I thought.” 

He faces the window, and it’s clear that he thinks they’re done. Tommy takes a step back, trying to find the words to explain. Finally, he asks, “What do you see first, when you enter someone’s mind?”

Adam shrugs. “I don’t see anything unless I go looking for it. And even then, I have to know what I’m looking for.”

“I mean… when you first create the link.”

“It depends,” Adam says, brows furrowed, “Memories, maybe, but mostly feelings. Colors. What makes someone who they are. What shaped them.”

Tommy nods. “That’s why it’s so scary to let you into my mind. You would see… music, and young wolves running under the moon. But the thing that made me who I am today? It’s that night, ten years ago. I don’t wanna have to live through it again.”

It would mean letting go of the pain, the hurt that’s kept him alive all these years. Facing the memories, watching them fade. Stop clinging to his past. Live again.

It still feels like he would be betraying who he was, his clan, his family. Admitting that he’ll never have the luxury to be amongst his own kind again. 

“It scares me,” Tommy says, “because it feels like if I let this go, I won’t have anything left. I know I won’t lose myself. I might change without meaning to, but that’s it.”

He looks at Adam, but Adam doesn’t say anything. He’s waiting. 

“About the rest? Yes. I can pretend. I know you wouldn’t ask for anything I’m not willing to give. I know it’s a role you’re playing.”

“Why did you hesitate, then?”

Tommy smiles a little at that. He has a hard time believing that Adam didn’t understand it yet. “Because it wouldn’t be just a role I’m playing. I want you. It scares me.”

Adam takes a deep breath, his eyes darkening with desire. “It wouldn’t… be just a role I’m playing, either.”

“I know,” Tommy whispers. Before he can second-guess himself, he walks right into Adam’s space, grabs Adam by the neck to make him bend his head, and kisses him. It’s a soft, sweet press of lips, and it doesn’t go any farther. 

They separate and stay like that, looking at one another, until Adam brings his hand to Tommy’s head, fingers carding through Tommy’s bangs, and softly says, “Let me in.”

It’s an order, but one that Tommy has no intention of disobeying. For the first time in too many years, his wolf and his human side want the same thing, and work in harmony. He closes his eyes, already caught in a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings. 

He feels Adam’s presence on the edge of his mind but, instead of pushing Adam away, he deliberately lets his last barrier fall down. 

_Let me in._

It’s easy now to obey the silent order. To let himself fall, to push the fear at the back of his mind. Adam’s presence is so familiar that it feels like coming back home, and at the same time, it’s different enough that Tommy knows he doesn’t have to fear it. 

He lets Adam bring him farther until he’s wide open, memories and thoughts mixing together until he can’t say what’s his and what’s not. 

_Wolves running under the moon._

_Music._

_The bright light of dawn._

_The waves of the ocean on a beach._

_Family. Laughter. Joy._

_Abomination._

_A door slamming closed in his face._

_Hands that barely have the time to turn half-way into paws, claws instead of nails before he’s stopped through his change._

_“You have to remember me. Please, Simon.”_

_Claws digging into his back, his chest._

_His voice going hoarse as he calls out Simon’s name, over and over again._

_A growl right in his ear before the pain finally makes him black out._

_Running, scared for his life._

_“This will hurt.” The warning of the tattoo artist as soon as he sees the crisscross of scars decorating his back._

_Pain. Fear. Loneliness._

Tommy opens his eyes. He fell to his knees without realizing it, and Adam’s arms are the only thing still holding him up. Tears roll down his cheeks, but he has no thought of even trying to hold them in. 

His arms close around Adam of their own free will and he hides his face against Adam’s chest. He’s tired of hiding, tired of running away. All he wants is a place to rest. He knows now that he’s found one.

He lets the tears fall and feels his wolf curl into the comfort of Adam’s presence in his mind. 

***

“It feels great, doesn’t it?” Allison is smiling wide, sitting on a stool, on the bar’s small stage while she waits for Tommy to finish tuning his guitar. She was hoping to be standing tonight, he knows it, but the messed up nerve ending in her back started acting up earlier today, leaving Allison unable to stand for more than a few minutes at a time. 

The bar isn’t open yet, and everyone is busy setting up for the evening. Rehearsing the music was the easiest way to keep Allison out of everyone’s way without her feeling like a burden. 

“Yes, it does,” Tommy replies. He knows she isn’t talking about the music, and he has to agree with her. While it’s not as amazing as running under the full moon, it does feel good to get out of the house after being confined there for so many days. He strums a little, smiling when the guitar finally sounds the way he wants it to, and nods. “Okay. Whenever you’re ready.”

He watches the smile that lights up Allison’s whole face when she starts singing. Music is a world of its own, where he can forget everything else.

They get through the whole set, and when they’re done, they realize that everyone stopped what they were doing to listen. Tommy blushes, but Allison stands, take a bow, laughing at the standing ovation until her leg gives in and she crashes to the floor. 

Tommy barely has the time to put his guitar down before Neil is there, helping Allison up. She’s trembling as she takes Neil’s hand, but shakes her head when he says, “Maybe tonight isn’t such a great idea.”

“I want to sing,” Allison says through gritted teeth. She grabs her cane, frees herself of Neil’s grip and limps away with all the dignity she can muster. 

No one dares to tell her that she can’t, like they all understand how important it is to her. However, when they set up for the actual set, it’s with Neil hovering at the edge of the stage. Allison’s annoyance shows throughout the set, but with everyone already expecting trouble, she can’t say anything. 

Once they’re done, Tommy lets Allison and Neil walk past him before he heads to the bar, intent on getting himself a drink. It’s been too long since he’s been in a bar with so many weres. All the different scents and vibes put him on edge. 

“What do you want?” Cam stops in front of him on her way to a group of customers, with a little smile.

“Anything, as long as it’s strong.”

“Coming up.” When Cam puts Tommy’s drink in front of him, she bends herself over the counter to say, right in Tommy’s ear, “Open yourself up and be careful. Trouble is coming.”

Tommy nods as he grabs his drink, closing his eyes against the welcome burn of alcohol down his throat. As he drinks, he opens his mind just enough that he can feel Adam’s wolf on the edge of it, watching over him. 

He had to learn, and fast, how to do it. With Simon, he never even had to try. It all came naturally, from sharing the same blood, the same clan. With Adam, Tommy has to consciously lower his defenses all the time to let him in. It’s only if what he’s feeling is enough to make him lose control and change that Adam can feel it without either of them trying to make it happen, and Tommy hopes it won’t come to that tonight. 

One quick look around the bar, and Tommy knows what Cam meant. The atmosphere is already changing, nervous vibes coming from every direction as someone is making his way through the throng of bodies on the dance floor. 

The stranger’s scent, his vibes hit Tommy full front, and he feels his wolf bare its teeth. If it could, it would be howling. This guy isn’t just trouble; he’s danger. 

As fast as he can, Tommy glances at the corner where Allison and Neil retreated, and starts breathing again when he finds them on a couch in the spot Adam and the others claim every night, Allison curled up against Neil’s side. 

Tommy laughs at himself, at the automatic reactions he can’t stop. He might not be part of their clan yet, but his wolf already acts as if he is. So many of the things he was taught as a kid haven’t disappeared, but it amuses him to realize that they are changing focus. Like the rule that when danger comes, the most important thing is to protect the cubs. 

He’s so caught up in his thoughts that he doesn’t notice the guy until he steps right into Tommy’s space. Tommy’s discomfort grows with every second that passes, and he has to force himself not to act on his instincts. He was trained to be a warrior, and his wolf is ready to jump at the intruder’s throat. 

Except for the fact that they are in a public place, and technically, it’s Tommy who’s an outsider, an intruder. An unclaimed wolf, easy prey for anyone who wants him. 

“Oh, pretty boy is out without a leash?” The guy smirks, and Tommy inches away as much as he can without stepping off his stool, only stopping when he’s about to fall. 

“The fuck are you doing here, Chad?”

Tommy’s eyebrows go up as Cam steps in front of them, still behind the counter, and glares at Chad. Tommy has never heard her swear – never – and it’s enough to make him nervous. The last confirmation, not that he really needed it, that Chad is bad news. 

“Making new friends,” Chad says, grabbing onto Tommy’s arm. Tommy shakes him off and has to fight not to let his claws out. “Since when is that forbidden?”

“You’re not welcome here,” Cam replies, crossing her arms. “You know that.”

From the corner of his eyes, Tommy sees Terrance at the other end of the bar, sending Isaac in Adam’s direction. Tommy hopes they will be fast enough, but if they aren’t, he’s not going down without a fight.

“Oh, I’m not planning to stay, don’t worry. But I think I’m taking pretty boy here with me.” 

“Fuck off!” Tommy barks, stepping off his stool, ready to fight. Before he can do anything, he feels Adam on the edge of his mind. _Wait._ An order Tommy can’t disobey, and before he can try and fight Adam’s presence off, Terrance steps between him and Chad. 

“You’re not taking him anywhere, and you’re getting your ass out of here.”

Chad looks at Tommy over Terrance’s shoulder, then back at Terrance. He sounds amused more than anything. “Are you kidding me? You’re stepping in for an unclaimed were, one who just disrespected me?” 

“You’re not supposed to be here,” Terrance reminds him. 

The smile on Chad’s face grows wider. He looks like a snake who’s about to swallow a really big mouse. “Lambert still hasn’t got his clan under control, has he?”

“Who told you that?” Adam interrupts them, and Tommy can finally breathe properly again when Adam curls one hand around Tommy’s throat. Adam uses his grip to bring Tommy closer, molding him to Adam’s body. Tommy lets his head fall back, bangs obscuring his eyes, just enough to let him watch without being watched. It lets him hide, while looking, to any were in the room, like the perfect picture of submission. 

“Everyone,” Chad says, taking the people around them as witnesses, but he’s not sounding as confident as he was a minute ago. 

Adam and Terrance look at each other, like neither can believe what Chad is saying. 

“Nah,” Terrance says after a few seconds, “we worked it out.” As he steps out of Adam’s way, his shirt rides up, showing claw marks over his hip. Tommy’s breath catches in his throat before he remembers that it’s still a show, that Terrance wasn’t marked against his will. 

“And I got myself a new toy.” The tease of one of Adam’s nails turning into a claw and running up and down Tommy’s arm makes him shiver. He knows that Adam is avoiding his chest on purpose, that he’s being careful not to touch Tommy’s scars. “You got some nerve, showing up on my territory and making accusations. Get out.”

The last words are bitten off, with enough intensity that the air around them is taken over by Adam’s vibes, his protective side over who – and what – is his. Chad clearly doesn’t dare stay any longer, and Adam places his mouth against Tommy’s ear. “Come on, pet. Let’s sit with the others.”

Tommy has to remind himself that this is a role they’re both playing. It doesn’t scare him, but for now it’s as near as he’ll get to what he wants, what his wolf wants. While there are things he’s not ready for – things he doubts he’ll ever be able to do again – he can’t deny the desire, the need that keeps growing. 

He lets Adam pull him along with a hand held loosely against the back of Tommy’s neck as they join the others. Allison smiles at Tommy from her spot at Neil’s side, but he keeps his head down. Tonight is all about appearances. One single toe out of line could put them all in an even bigger mess. 

When Adam sits, Tommy goes to his knees by Adam’s side, barely managing to keep his wolf in check. He won’t change, there’s no danger on that side, but the desire is growing with every second that passes, his wolf wallowing in the attention. He can feel his wolf curling into Adam’s presence in Tommy’s mind, letting him in farther, until Tommy forgets everything that isn’t Adam’s scent, his vibes, everything that makes Adam who he is. 

Tommy’s eyes close of their own free will as Adam brushes the bangs out of Tommy’s face with his fingers. Nails scratch at his scalp, and his wolf pushes a little farther, taking the forefront when Tommy’s fear would make him back off. He’s not doing it on purpose, not really, but it’s easier this way, to forget his old defense mechanisms and simply let himself be. 

His wolf is more than happy to take over, wanting the claim, wanting to be able to recognize all of them as his. Clan. Pack. Safety. _Alpha._

It’s the most natural thing in the world to snuggle against Adam’s thigh, to push into the caress when Adam’s hand slips through his hair. Tommy isn’t thinking anymore, just letting instincts and desire drive him. 

_Tommy. Don’t fall too far._

Since it’s not an order, Tommy’s wolf chooses to ignore it. There are conversations going on over his head, but he doesn’t understand a word of them. It doesn’t even matter.

It’s too easy to nuzzle in when Adam spreads his legs a little, to take over the free space, to rub his cheek against Adam’s inner thigh. Adam’s scent hits Tommy full front, heat coming off him in waves, desire that Adam is barely managing to keep under control. A little whine escapes Tommy’s mouth as his need climbs even higher, until he has no hope of stopping it. 

Tommy slips farther into the vee of Adam’s legs, Adam’s scent coming off stronger. There’s a little edge to it that, if Tommy was in the right state of mind, he would realize is wrong. As things stands now, he doesn’t notice anything and inches closer, his mouth watering as he feels Adam’s cock growing harder against his face. His skin is heating up, his cock half-hard. Desire is slowly settling in his body, traveling through his blood. _He wants._

It takes Adam pulling Tommy away by his hair for him to realize what he was about to do. “Wait until we’re home, pet,” Adam practically purrs, and anyone who doesn’t knows him that well wouldn’t realize how uneasy Tommy was making him. “No need to give everyone a show.”

It’s only then, with the slight stress Adam puts on the last word, that reality comes crashing down on Tommy. He retreats and hangs his head, hiding behind his hair. He was so far gone that he gave into his wolf’s desire, without thinking about the consequences. While he can’t deny that it’s not just his wolf who wants, it’s his human side, too, he’s also very aware that letting himself give into his instincts like he just did is the best way to attract all kind of trouble. 

The rest of the evening, Adam’s hand never strays away from Tommy’s shoulder. Tommy should be grateful that Adam realized the effect he was having on Tommy and that he’s restraining himself. Instead, it only annoys him, reminding him that he’s still broken, and that he has no idea if he’ll be able to fix himself at some point. 

That’s all he wants. To reclaim his body like he did with his skin, when he got the tattoos now covering his scars. To feel whole again.

***

By the time they make it back to the house, Tommy expects the desire to have faded away when he finally got his wolf back under control. It doesn’t. For once he lets himself enjoy it, let it grow until he knows it’s all his. Not his wolf’s. Or, if it is, one of the few times in too many years that both wolf and human want the same thing. 

Aware that the little display at the bar will have made Adam think that Tommy didn’t know what he was doing, Tommy doesn’t even give Adam a chance to say anything. As soon as everyone has disappeared into the main house, leaving Adam and Tommy alone in the entrance, Tommy pushes Adam against the wall, grabbing him by the neck to make him bend his head, and kisses him. 

Tommy puts his whole being into that kiss, opening himself up and letting everything seep through the link, the desire and lust that built all evening and that he can’t avoid. It takes him a few seconds to realize that he’s getting nothing back. All that he can feel from Adam is a pale copy of his own desire.

Cursing himself for being so stupid, Tommy takes a step back and swallows hard against his self-deception. He drops his gaze to the ground. “Guess I’ll…”

Adam interrupts him by grabbing his hand. “Stay. _Please_.”

It’s the broken plea that makes Tommy look up again in surprise, and his breath catches in his throat when his eyes meet Adam’s, darkened by desire. 

Tommy doesn’t move, barely dares to breathe. Adam’s grip tightens around his wrist, pulling him closer. 

“I’m trying to fight off…” Adam can’t finish his thought, and Tommy watches, fascinated. A shudder goes through Adam, as Adam closes his eyes and lets his head fall back against the wall. 

It takes a few more seconds for Tommy to understand that Adam is fighting, not his desire but his instincts, the ones that are screaming at him to take, to claim, to own. 

Maybe it should scare him away. A few weeks ago, it would have. Now all it does is drive him faster into Adam’s arms, his own hands clinging to Adam’s neck as he pulls Adam down into a kiss that won’t take no for an answer. 

Adam is still holding himself back, and realizing that only makes Tommy more determined, reminding him why he wants this. Knowing that without any explanations, Adam still gets it, still understands that letting Tommy lead is the only way this can happen. It adds up to everything else, every single detail that weakened Tommy’s defenses until he could willingly let them drop, safe in the knowledge that no harm will come to him. 

When Tommy releases Adam’s mouth, they’re both breathing hard, and it’s only then that Adam dares to bring his hands to Tommy’s face. “Let’s move it to my room, shall we?”

Tommy pushes into the light caress with a nod. He can’t form the word. That would be asking just a little bit too much out of him. But he wants this, fuck, how he want this now that’s he’s finally free to explore the desire that nagged at the back of his mind for weeks, ever since he met Adam. 

It’s Tommy who pulls Adam along to Adam’s room, tugging at Adam’s arm with a playful smile when Adam doesn’t move fast enough for Tommy’s taste. 

Once the door closes behind them, Tommy starts to breathe right again as Adam rests his back against the door and looks at Tommy, asking, “What do you want?”

The question is enough to make Tommy stand on his tip-toes for another kiss, a light caress of lips and tongue that he never wants to end. But the kiss does end and Tommy stays right where he is, his breath teasing Adam’s lips as he whispers, “I want to see you.”

Adam smiles and steps away, moving toward the bed. Tommy’s heart jumps in his chest as he realizes that Adam will let him lead, all the way to the finish, just so this moment, here, will be something that they will both cherish. 

He turns around to watch and feels the heat growing under his skin as Adam sheds his shirt, shoes, socks. He laughs at the coy smile Adam throws at him over his shoulder before taking off his pants, making him feel like this is just a game they’re playing. 

Tommy’s laugh turns into a whimper when Adam is finally naked and he lets himself look at Adam, from head to toe, miles and miles of gorgeous freckle-covered skin. Adam lies down on the bed and Tommy can’t tear his gaze away, fascinated by everything he’s never seen, every detail he remembers that seems different under the small amount of light coming from the bedside lamp. 

Tommy throws his shirt to the ground as he makes his way to Adam. It’s all he dares to take off, but the way Adam looks at him, the heat in Adam’s eyes as he licks his lips makes it all worth it. Suddenly Tommy doesn’t feel broken anymore. He knows that Adam is seeing past the tattoos, past the scars underneath them, and for the first time in years, he feels desirable and worthy of love. 

Kneeling on the bed beside Adam, Tommy looks down at him. “Is this okay?”

All he gets in reply is a little smile and, “Go ahead.” Adam’s voice is thick with desire, and Tommy is filled with ridiculous pride at the effect he’s having on Adam. He wants more of it, wants to hear Adam desperate and wrecked. 

Tommy gets a little nearer and kisses him, a light, barely there pressure, just enough to make Adam chase after Tommy’s mouth when he pulls away. 

Then Tommy gives in, surrounding himself in Adam’s scent, Adam’s vibes, Adam’s taste as he licks a path down Adam’s neck, can’t resist closing his teeth over Adam’s pulse point, just to feel Adam arching against him. 

It only makes Tommy crave more and he keeps going, licking and nibbling down Adam’s chest, teasing his nipples, sucking little bruises into Adam’s skin. He revels in Adam’s moans and groan, in the way Adam’s body keeps trying to move against his will, pushing into Tommy’s touch, in the way Adam’s hands twist in the sheet as he makes an effort not to take over. 

Tommy’s cock grow hard against his jeans when he licks at Adam’s thighs, when he watches and can’t resist licking away the precome that pearls on the tip of Adam’s cock. Closing his eyes, Tommy sucks the head into his mouth, savoring Adam’s weight and taste before he pulls off, unable to hold back a satisfied smile when Adam mumbles a protest. 

“Don’t tease me.” It should be an order but it comes out as barely a whisper, and it only makes Tommy smile, eyes shining, and lick at Adam cock, from root to tip, just to tear another broken sound from Adam’s mouth. 

Adam throws his head back, hands twisting in the sheets as Tommy finally takes him in his mouth and sucks, forgetting everything but how Adam tastes in his mouth, the sounds he’s pulling from Adam, pushing him farther and farther. 

He goes down as far as he dares on Adam’s cock and uses his hand, a slow motion in rhythm with his mouth. Tommy lets himself enjoy it and loses himself in the moment, in the way Adam’s scent surrounds him, his whole world reduced to his own desire and Adam’s pleasure. 

“Oh fuck, Tommy… I’m gonna…” Tommy pulls off when Adam’s voice disappears in a moan, keeps jerking him off as he comes. He has to watch, needs to see the effect he’s having on Adam, needs to see him with all of his walls down. 

There’s pleasure written all over the arch of Adam’s body, the way his eyes won’t let go of Tommy, the ripped shreds of sheets around his hands…

Tommy’s heart misses a beat when he notices that, when he understands that Adam’s hands turned half-way into paws while Tommy was blowing him, that he tore the sheets apart trying to hold onto the remains of his control, to stop himself from blindly following his instincts. 

The thought sends Tommy right into Adam’s arms, claiming Adam’s mouth with his own as lust and desire go straight to his head, making him dizzy. 

He wants… he can’t even say what he wants, but it needs to happen now. Tommy finally gets the kiss he was expecting, the kiss he wanted, with Adam holding him tight and kissing him to within an inch of his life. 

Tommy fight with his own shoes and socks, with his belt and pants until he can take everything off, not feeling even the smallest shimmer of fear at being naked, at the way Adam looks at him. 

They kiss again, and then Adam asks, one hand hovering on Tommy’s stomach and thighs, right over his cock, “Can I?”

“Yes. Please.” Tommy’s lying on his side, facing Adam as Adam rests his forehead against Tommy’s, closes his hand around Tommy’s cock. 

Tommy feels the moment when the link between them opens, a flow of emotions going back and forth, a constant stream of desire and love and strength that forces him to close his eyes against the intensity of it all. Adam’s hand keep moving on Tommy’s cock but the old fear stays absent, every little huff of Adam’s breath against Tommy’s lips, every little thought moving between them reminding Tommy of where he is and who he is with. Every detail is a reminder that he doesn’t have to fear Adam, that he will never need to, and that knowledge only drives his desire higher, in time with the tugs of Adam’s hand on Tommy’s cock. 

Tommy’s mouth opens on a strangled moan and Adam kisses it away as he keeps moving his hand, pulling Tommy through his orgasm. When Tommy comes down from it, he’s gathered in Adam’s arms and pulled closer. Tommy rests his cheek against Adam’s chest, not caring that they are now both sticky with sweat and come. 

He closes his eyes and lets himself be pulled to sleep by the slow movement of Adam’s hand in his hair and over the scars on his back. Even that only feels like comfort, both wolf and human knowing that they’re safe. 

***

The next full moon takes Tommy by surprise. He wasn’t expecting to feel its call that strongly, not after one more unwanted change during the last month. It takes him hours to figure out that the itch under his skin isn’t just the effect of the moon. It’s the impatience of his wolf at the idea of being claimed, at knowing that it will finally have a family again. 

Adam’s clan drives a lot farther than they did during the last full moon, leaving the city behind, to the point where Tommy feels the hair on the back of his head stand up when he recognize the estates of born were clans. He can’t help but ask, “Where are we?”

He doesn’t get an answer just yet, and it slowly occurs to him that they didn’t show him their real territory last time. They couldn’t take that risk. It still surprises him to realize how far from the city they are: most clans of bitten weres don’t dare move away from it too much, all too aware that they can’t stand their ground against the clans of born weres. 

Tommy’s not expecting anyone to actually reply when Cam takes one hand off the wheel, pointing to her left and the house that is impossible to see without a were’s sight, “That’s the Lambert estate. They allow us to run in the woods surrounding it. No one else knows that, and we don’t use that permission very often.”

After hearing that, Tommy has to look, has to try and see the house where Adam and Neil grew up. To himself, he can admit that he’s a little jealous that they managed to keep those kind of ties to their family. Even though it doesn’t mean much. They obviously have to keep it a secret since trouble could come at them from every direction if it was known. 

The information sticks in Tommy’s mind, and when they get out of the cars, he goes to Adam, asking, low enough that only Adam hears him, “Your parents’ estate?”

Adam shrugs, and he’s careful with his tone of voice, making sure it reveals nothing, which lets Tommy know how badly it’s affecting him. “Right before we left, Dad made sure I heard him say that if a clan of bitten weres decided to run through the woods once in a while, they were to be left alone. I haven’t seen any of them in years – I told you the truth about that.”

Tommy nods. It’s not that he doubted Adam, but he needed an explanation. It makes sense, though, to come here for a claim. No other clan of bitten weres would dare run so near the born weres estates. 

“Are you ready?” There’s a little smile on Adam’s face, slowly reminding Tommy of the reason why they’re here. He can’t help but smile in return. He just knows he’s doing the right thing. 

“I think so.” It’s not that Tommy’s hesitating, not really, but the importance of what he’s about to do hits him all at once. When they get back to the house, he’ll have cut every single tie still linking him to his family and taken on a new one. It doesn’t matter how much he wants to be able to call Adam’s clan his; what he has to do in order for it to happen is still life-changing and scary. 

“Join us whenever you are.” Adam bends toward Tommy, one hand coming up to Tommy’s face, stealing a kiss before he moves deeper into the forest to join the others. 

Tommy waits a couple more minutes before he finally undresses and starts changing. He feels his muscles transform, his body answering the call of the moon, now high in the sky. She’s a beautiful yellow tonight. _The moon trying to mimic the sun._ That’s the way Tommy’s sister described it. 

Paws hit the ground and Tommy opens up, using the vibes the others are giving out to find his way to them. Adam is still shielding Tommy from the others, all too aware that Tommy didn’t have the time to learn to keep them out. With his previous clan, he never even had to think about it. Growing up with them meant that his mind learned to shield itself without Tommy needing to make a conscious effort. This is one of the many things that he will have to learn all over again. It’s worth it, though, Tommy’s sure of it. 

It’s so familiar and at the same time, it’s all new. Since born weres in a clan share the same blood, the vibes they give out are similar, one more thing that make them family. Here, everyone is giving such different vibes that trying to follow them all makes Tommy dizzy. Even Adam and Neil don’t feel that similar – it’s easy to figure out that Neil was born and Adam was bitten, from a single look. 

Tommy starts running, not even knowing who he’s trying to follow, his mind focusing on Adam’s presence, which is getting stronger, as he moves along paths Adam is tracing for him. 

As he keeps running, his paws hitting the ground with a thud, he comes across every single one of them, setting him back on the right path. He’s slowly getting back the exhilarating feeling that running with a clan – his clan – can be. 

A limping red wolf – Allison – nearly send him tumbling to the ground, biting playfully at his heels. A wolf that makes even Tommy look big – Isaac – runs at his side for a little while, offering companionship. A brown wolf – Terrance – and a smaller black one – Cam – stay put as they watch Tommy run by. 

Slowly the wolves gather around the glade where a big black wolf stands, waiting for them, the presence that was guiding Tommy, showing him the way. Adam.

Tommy walks across the glade and lowers himself at Adam’s feet. He opens up his mind, and he feels the moment when Adam lowers the defenses he kept up for Tommy. It’s too much all at once, yet it doesn’t make his wolf panic. He closes his eyes in order to focus, and he lets himself feel.

The clan comes to him in colors and sounds. Instruments, the ones he associates with each of them, bodies moving to the music. A little heaven in which he can hide, music finally not turning its back on him anymore. He clings to it, to the songs coming to him, to everything they’re giving him. 

At the back of his mind, he feels the remnants of the link to his family, like an old wound that never healed completely. That he never wanted to heal. 

He’s never tried to reach them, but tonight, in the middle of all of these new vibes he’s trying to get used to, he feels somebody else, someone he hasn’t felt in years. 

It’s enough to stop him dead, even as Adam’s presence is wrapping itself around Tommy’s mind. 

_Lisa?_

He feels a smile, and his sister’s love wrapping around him, holding him tight. _I’ll tell them you’re happy, Tommy. I’ll tell them I haven’t felt you this happy in many, many years._

If he was in his human’s form, he would cry. As it is, he lowers his muzzle between his front paws to stop the howl that wants to force its way past his throat. 

The other presences around him come nearer. Even with his eyes closed, Tommy can feel them as they walk toward him and Adam, a constant stream of thoughts surrounding him, protecting him. 

_Tommy?_

Tommy can feel Adam’s hesitation through their link and opens himself up just a little bit more, showing him everything, how he’s not hesitating, that it’s only making him more determined. 

_Do you accept us?_

The same question, over and over again, the only thing that changes is the voice and vibes of the were asking it. One after the other, Tommy lets them in, feeling all the little links as they are created, none as important as the one between him and Adam but still present and strong enough to let themselves be known. 

_Do you accept me?_

Adam. For one second Tommy clings to the little link that still exists, to his sister’s presence in his mind that he’s feeling for the first time in years and that he’ll never be able to feel again. 

She wraps herself around him one last time. _Go, Tommy. I’ll tell them you found a new family._

 _Good-bye, Lisa._

Adam’s teeth close on the back of his neck, claiming him. _Mine._

Tommy feels Adam teeth slice through his fur, rip open his skin. He knows the bite will be completely healed before the end of the night. There’s no fear left in him, only a beautiful certainty. _Yours._

Right before Tommy breaks the last thing still linking him to his family, he hears Lisa in his mind one last time. _Please take care of him for me._

It takes Tommy a moment to realize that Lisa wasn’t talking to him, then he hears the chorus of, _we promise_ , and he knows that while he’s lost the family he was born in, he also found a new one.


End file.
